January 08, 2019

Good Afternoon,

I hate to say it, but this IS the final issue of Mouthpiece. It's been great fun bringing you the goofiest, weirdest, most entertaining finds that the internet has to offer...within reason.

And thank you one and all for reading, writing, and for you being part of my weekly publication. But wait! There is some good news... Groaningly good news! Those of you that are subscribed to Mouthpiece, after today's issue, will start to recieve the Daily Groaner newsletter for jokes that are so bad that they might make you snort, guffaw, chortle, whoop, grouse, grumble, or scrunch your face... or maybe you might laugh until tears run down your leg. There's only one way to find out... Here's the latest issue.

Thanks again to you all. I couldn't have done this without you. I shall continue to "Mouth Off" one way or another. And I hope that you enjoy the Daily Groaner. That Steve guy that writes it is a good dude. Please, tell him I send you. And now, without further ado, the final issue of Mouthpiece! And see if any of our other celebrated newsletters peak your interest, right here: GopherCentral.com And remember - Subscription is FREE!

Even though we're eight days into the new year, folks are still keeping to that resolution of losing weight and getting into shape.

And if you have left such a resolution in the dust I have some great ways for you to lie to the bathroom scale.

As a guy who's flaky with resolutions, I particularly like...stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

Good stuff and rather helpful!

Mouthing Off,
Carl

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

[m] q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."
--Mark Twain

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
--George Carlin

"Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation."
--Walter Winchell

[m] What's On the Web?

Please Stop Talking: The Worst Celebrity Life Advice
What?! Just stop listening to celebrities. They know less than I do...which ain't much.

Visit: Please Stop Talking: The Worst Celebrity Life Advice

[m] b i t s . n . b o b s

*-- How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale --*
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

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