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Thursday, August 17, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

It looks like those free-thinking social justice warriors are at it again. They're down south tearing down statues of Civil War Confederate leaders.

To be fair, it is offensive to some people. I can totally understand that. If my great granddaddy was a slave I wouldn't want to have to see one of the guys who fought to keep him a slave immortalized in 12-foot tall bronze.

On the other hand, there are a lot of things that piss a lot of people off. I just read a story about some black preacher in Chicago who asked Mayor Tony Danza to remove a statue of George Washington from his neighborhood park because George Washington owned slaves.

And I guess I can understand that, too. Just because you did something good; found the first free democratic republic in the world, doesn't let you off the hook for the shitty stuff you did in life.

The real problem is who gets to decide what's appropriate and what's offensive? Like I said earlier; a lot of people off get pissed off at a lot of things.

You show me the most kind-hearted, open-minded, loving, altruistic paragon, and I bet you can find somebody who though he or she was kind of a dick.

So my solution is; get rid of all of it. Washington monument? Gone. Jefferson Memorial? Gone. Vietnam Veterans Memorial? Gone. Do you know how many Vietnamese Americans there are who don't want to be reminded that the United States tried to bomb their country out of existence?

And anything with the tiniest religious connotation? Way gone.

And just keep going down the line. This country is broke anyway. We shouldn't be paying for all this crap.

Pretty soon there won't be anything to offend anybody anymore and we can finally get on with our pointless, depressing lives.

I touched upon a very similar topic a couple years ago when the Confederate flag brouhaha first started. You can read that by clicking the link here if you're interested...

Removing the Confederate flag is doubleplusgood



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"A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation - at least that's what he told his wife when she walked in on them." -Jimmy Fallon

A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dad says to the son, "What do you want, Fathead?"

The son mumbles something, clearly embarrassed, so the father again says, "Come on, Fathead, what do you want?"

A lady close by says, "Why do you keep calling your poor son fathead?"

He replies, "Well lady, there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a success. Number one, you got to have a big truck. See my truck over There? Biggest truck you can buy. Second. You got to have a big house. You know that house at the end of the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a good woman with a tight pussy. And I had one 'til this fathead came along."

"A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason." -Conan O'Brien


1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat..'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Frappe' or a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or hold his beer.

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