THE DAILY GROANER - Monday, June 20th 2011

Good Morning Groanies,

Fasten your seat-belts and prepare to join me as I regale you with my experience of fly the friendly skies with some of the most despicable people that I have ever run across in my travels.

I have always been open and honest with my readers. I've never made it a secret that I hate stupid people. I'm not sure, however, if I've made mention of the fact that I absolutely loathe those academic elitist sycophants. (Say that 5-times fast.) You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that have their noses so high in the air that they can't smell what they're shoveling. And on the plane to Texas I had a trio of these pretentious zeros sitting behind my wife and me.

There was a husband, wife and a daughter that made up this trifecta from hell. They were each annoying in their own way, so they had that going for them.

First up, the wife brought something on the plane to eat before the flight. I'm not sure, because I didn't actually see it, but it may have been food. All I know is that it smelled like a dead cat that was fused to one of those over-sided bug zapper things you hang on the porch because he was too curious. It was awful. I can still smell it, right now, as I write this. That's how bad it was.

Next was the husband. He was the epitome of douche baggery. While we were waiting to take off his guy told his wife about some report he had read about E. coli. He went on for about ten minutes with statistics that he probably made up and studies that most likely discovered something that we all already knew. Basically, this guy just wanted to hear himself talk and somewhere in his babbling let anyone listening know that E. coli was a bad thing. "Well, No Shit, Sherlock! Thanks for the update!" I think the real reason that he probably started on that particular topic had something to do with that odorous mess that his wife was wolfing down like she was trying to break a world record. Oh, then after running his trap for those ten minutes that I will never get back there's an announcement to fasten your seat-belts and turn off all electronic hand-held devices because we're preparing to take off. This waste of skin takes out his phone and makes a call to a co-worker to tell this guy that he can't talk on the phone because he's on an airplane. He repeats at least 12 times (I counted) that he can't talk now, I'm on a plane. I wanted to signal the air-marshal to tase this loser in his worthless ball-bag so he can't make anymore useless kids, which brings me to this wonder-couples' spawn.

Finally, the teenage daughter chimes in with more noise that basically boiled down to complaints about how awful the over-privileged life she was living was really troublesome to someone that hasn't lifted a finger to contribute anything of value to human history because that could get in the way of her begging her daddy for a new sports car for being a spoiled little mutant.

Ah, what is wrong with people?

Luckily the flight was only two hours in length. If it had been any longer I probably would have dropped dead of a massive stroke. That's why I'm thankful that I have this column to vent my frustrations. It's like free therapy.

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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+-- Emotional Extremes --+
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

+-- In the Waiting Room... --+
A man was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after his wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to him, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to him then got up and started to leave. When asked why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

+-- Q and A Quickies --+
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because it had the drumsticks.

Q: What does a dancer like to drink?

A: Tap Water.

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