THE DAILY GROANER - Wednesday, June 15th 2011

Good Morning Groanies,

I am not a good flier. I've been on planes numbers of times, traveling to places all over the place. I thought that air-travel would get easier for me with each flight, but it doesn't.

I'm always worried about the noises the plane makes when it's preparing to take off, while in air, and when it's landing. There is not one good plane noise. Planes should make reassuring, happy sounds so passengers like me can calm down instead of letting their paranoia get the better of them.

However, I do find ways to focus my attention on other things while enjoying the miracle of flight. Mostly, I people watch. On my trip to Texas I noticed that the plane was chock full of weirdos, annoyances and douche bags.

The first passenger that struck me was the last passenger to board the aircraft. He was a priest, about seventy years old and dressed all in black except for that bright white chad peaking out from his collar. When I saw him I must admit I freaked out a little. I said to myself, "Oh, please not an old priest on my flight. This can't be good." Then I noticed that he wasn't accompanied by a young priest, and Linda Blair was nowhere to be found, so I figured we were in good shape.

Then there was the Queen of the Hillbillies who was to the right of me. She appeared to be unfamiliar with the concepts of bathing or the laundromat. Well, she probably knows the laundromat only as that building where she hooks-up with random dudes in the hopes of getting some free smokes and possibly ten bucks in scratchin' tickets. She wasn't all bad though. She really entertained the whole cabin with her non-stop coughing, like she had the black-lung. The row that I sat in had a bet on when she would finally work up that ball of phlegm. That still remains a mystery to this day.

These two were just the tip of the iceberg for me. On Monday, I will tell you about the three most annoying human beings that I have ever run across on an airplane. Get ready for more ranting.

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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+-- I'll Get Too Tired --+
The baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired."

His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

+-- Don't Mime Me --+
A young lady was a theater major applying for fall semester classes. At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a huff of anger.

"What's wrong, Shelly?" Asks her roommate.

"Well, all the acting classes are filled. I couldn't even get into Mime class."

"Why not?"

"How should I know? You can't get a word out of those people!"

+-- Q and A Quickies --+
Q: What rock group has four men who don't sing?

A: Mount Rushmore.

Q: Why didn't the oyster share the profits from his pearl?

A: He was shellfish.

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