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THE DAILY GROANER - August 15, 2016

Good Morning Groanies,


I think it's time to get a new mattress. For the last two weeks, Stacy and I have endured some of the worst, sleepless nights that I can remember.

Our mattress is only eight years old, it appears to be in decent shape...well, that is until you get horizontal on the thing. Then it feels lumpier than my grandma's mashed potatoes or grandma's homemade oatmeal or her famous gravy. Come to think of it, everything Grandma made was rather lumpy.

So I guess "Ol' Lumpy" is gonna get the replaced with a fresher, firmer bed. I'm not being superficial. I'm just looking to lie down on something younger and more perky. Don't judge me.

Groaningly yours,
Steve


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Jokes? Comments? Questions? Email Steve


*-- Don't Be Sheepish --*

A traveling salesman is driving through a remote town and sees a man sexing up a sheep. Disgusted, he looks for the nearest house so he could use the phone and call the police. He finds a house nearby, knocks on the door and a little boy comes out from the door.

"Listen kid, I need to use your phone to call the police. There's some pervert over there in the field, ah, making love to a sheep."

The kid looks in the field and says, "That's not a pervert. That's my d-d-d-d-a-a-a-a-d-d-d-d-d."

(Another one from Andy. You are a sick man and I can appreciate that.)



*-- My Mistake --*

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."



*-- Q and A Quickies --*

Q: Why did the orchestra have such bad manners?

A: Because it didn't know how to conduct itself!


Q: Why do tropical fish live in saltwater?

A: Because pepper would make them sneeze.

***

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