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THE DAILY GROANER - September 14, 2016

Good Morning Groanies,

How do you not know that you are pregnant? Seriously?! I saw a story the other day about a woman that gave birth to a baby girl after she complained of a stomach ache. Seriously?!

How out of touch with your body, distracted by liking useless crap on Facebook and mind-numbingly void of common sense do you have to be to not come to the realization that you are carrying a child? Do you not have nerve-endings?! You carry a child for 9 months; sometimes longer. How do you not know?! Seriously?! That's a huge amount of time to not know. I could see not know for the first few months or so, but come on! What's the deal?

How do you not know? I would know. I know I would know. And if I didn't know, I would hope that I had some good people in my life that would know and say to me, "Hey, you got a bun in the oven?" You know?

What do you say to the doctor after you give birth? "Sorry doc, but I thought my spleen and pancreas were in a territorial dispute in my gut for the last 9 months...or maybe it was just gas."

I'm sure some women that didn't know thought it was just gas. How embarrassing for that kid. So in that case, do you have to name them "Tootie"?

Groaningly yours,

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*-- What's Cooking? --*

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish."

*-- Good News, Bad News --*

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene.

Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

*-- Q and A Quickies --*

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?

A: A high school math problem!

Q: What's a ducks favorite drug?

A: Quack!


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