Bizarre News - May 16, 2015

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Hey, we've all done it; pilfered a little something from work. Some people's transgressions are small, like Post-it Notes or toilet paper. Other people are more ambitious; like the woman who stole pounds of gold, bit-by-bit, from the jeweler she worked for.

But few people's larceny is as large-scale or as gross as this man's. Over a period of about 18 months Barry Larson stole an estimated $30,000 worth of dog biscuits from the Purina pet food plant he worked for.

So was he selling dog biscuits on the outside? Is there a black market for 'hot' pet food? And how was he getting all of those dog biscuits out of the plant anyway?

It turns out he wasn't. He was eating them.

"We noticed a few months ago that something was wrong with our dog biscuit production," said Purina spokesman, Keith Schopp. "When we checked the quantity of ingredients that were used in the production and the number of biscuits that were produced, the numbers just didn't add up! We began installing more security cameras at various strategic locations throughout the factory, and we were finally able to identify the problem. Mr. Larson, who worked in the quality check sector, was eating almost half of the biscuits that went by him."

To account for the losses Mr. Larson must have ingested nearly 3,000 dog biscuits per day during his work hours.

But there was a good reason for his voraciousness.

"Purina has provided us with hours of video evidence in which we see the suspect smoke drugs on his work site, and then eat hundreds of dog biscuits," said Police Captain Brian Tobin. "The images are a little bit disturbing, but very conclusive in terms of evidence. We proceeded with Mr. Larson's arrest this morning for 15 charges of petty theft, and found him to be in possession of 10 grams of cannabis."

Larson's ex-girlfriend, Patricia Nelson, told a reporter that she was aware of his "addictions" to both cannabis and dog biscuits, and that she had actually left him when she had found out.

"Every night, he came back from work with a really horrible breath," she said. "One day, I came back from work earlier than usual, and surprised him with his mouth full of dog biscuits! I was so disgusted, that I packed my things and left."

Odd, I thought dog biscuits were supposed to be good for your breath.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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*-- Massachusetts police: Don't chase bears with hatchet while drunk --*
NORTH ADAMS, Mass. (UPI) - A Massachusetts police department has a message for citizens: "Chasing bears through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet is strongly not advised." The North Adams Police Department said in a Facebook post the incident "really did happen" Monday and "the hatchet man was taken into protective custody due to his incapacitation from the consumption of alcoholic beverage." "The North Adams Police Department is urging everyone to NOT chase bears through the woods with a dull hatchet, drunk," the post said. The post urged residents to steer clear of bears rather than "going all Davy Crockett chasing it through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet. It is just a bad idea and not going to end well." Police said they are still working to determine what the man's planned "end game" was if he had caught up to the animal.


*-- Florida funeral workers fired after hearse spotted at Dunkin' Donuts --*
CLEARWATER, Fla. (UPI) - A Florida funeral home said two employees were fired after a video posted online showed a hearse parked unattended with a veteran's body inside while the workers got coffee. Rob Carpenter, a customer at the Dunkin' Donuts store in New Port Richey, took video when he saw the hearse parked unattended in the store's parking lot with a flag-draped casket inside. Carpenter shared the video with the Veteran Warriors group on Facebook, which brought the video to the attention of Jim Rudolph, president of Clearwater-based Veterans Funeral Care. Rudolph said two employees, a driver and a licensed funeral director, were transporting the body of Lt. Col. Jesse Coleman from Clearwater to Lecanto, a nearly 90-mile distance, and they violated protocol when they went into Dunkin' Donuts to buy coffee. Rudolph said at least one employee is supposed to remain with the hearse at all times during restroom breaks, and procedure for veterans' funerals stipulates no stops are to be made at all. "When a car leaves the funeral home with a flag on it, it's on a stage... and we're in ceremony mode," Rudolph told ABC News. "Going into buy a doughnut with a flag-covered casket in your coach was a terrible lack of judgment." Rudolph said both employees were fired. He said they were remorseful about the incident. "I think if they had the ability to turn back the day, they'd do things different," Rudolph told WFTS-TV. Rudolph said he spoke with Coleman's widow, who was forgiving toward the business and said she did not want the employees to be fired. However, Rudolph said he will not reverse his decision to terminate the employees. "What could they have been thinking?" Rudolph said. "I haven't got the foggiest idea."


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
Bank robberies so rarely happen like they did in the last scene from Heat. That story would have been so much more interesting if the woman had been shot down in a hail of bullets.
[I'll try to exercise a little creative license for you next time.]

I really expected to see this story in this issue but it wasn't there... The girlfriend of a Michigan man have birth to twins two years ago. He later learned that she had had sex with another man around the time of conception so he demanded a paternity test. It turns out his suspicions were half right. He was the father of one of the twins, but nut the other. -Rich

The case will be thrown out of court since You can't serve G-D with a subpoena. If you could (G-D forbid) What house of Worship would go to? Shul (Maybe, but the shamus won't sign) a church (priests don't want to), or even a mosque (No Imam wants to).
[You're assuming God has permanent residence at one of these places. At best I think you could call God a transient.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
***
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