Saturday, September 7, 2013

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

I have heard of some extreme ways and some extreme things people have smuggled into jails. And I'm not talking about the old "file baked into a cake" either. I saw a video of a woman passing a baggie full of drugs to an inmate via an open mouth kiss during a visit. But that is child's play compared to what this gentleman pulled off.

A loaded gun was found inside an inmate's rectum after he allegedly bragged to other inmates about his feat. Authorities say Mark Gregory Valadez somehow managed to avoid a metal detector because of a high volume of bookings at the jail over the weekend. He instead got a pat-down, which obviously was not enough.

"A pat-down will not reveal a Derringer firearm that is secreted in a body cavity," Sheriff John Whetsel said.

When asked how Valadez could get a gun in his rectum, Oklahoma County Sheriff John Whetsel said: "'Keistering' is what they call it; they take whatever it is and up the hole she goes."

After bragging to inmates, Valadez was searched and the firearm was found. I'm not sure I would brag about something like that. He now is facing felony count of possession of contraband in a penal institution.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

Questions? Comments? Email Lewis


*-- Mummy found in German attic may be 2,000 years old --*
VERDEN, Germany - Authorities in Germany said a 10-year-old boy rummaging in an attic discovered a mummy estimated to be 2,000 years old. Lutz Gaebel, spokesman for the public prosecutor in Verden, said Lutz Wolfgang Kettler called police after his 10-year-old son found the mummy in an old chest that belonged to his grandfather, The Local.de reported Thursday. Kettler said the chest has been in the family's attic for decades, since his own father had it shipped home while he was traveling in North Africa in the 1950s. "Initial forensic medical examinations suggest it could be around 2,000 years old," Gaebel said of the mummy. "It will be at least another six weeks before we are sure. But should this estimate be confirmed, it will certainly lead to the end of any investigation we conduct into the death."


*-- Rhode Island man sues churches over bell ringing --*
NARRAGANSETT, R.I. - A Rhode Island man's lawsuit against two churches near his home alleges their bell ringing disrupts his life and contributed to the breakdown of his marriage. John Devaney, 64, of Narragansett, filed a U.S. District Court lawsuit against the St. Thomas More Catholic Parish and St. Peters by-the-Sea Episcopal Church, alleging bells ringing at the churches have violated his rights and denied him the "peaceful enjoyment of his property," The Providence (R.I.) Journal reported Thursday. Devaney, who is acting as his own attorney, alleges the ringing bells have left him irritable and led to arguments that contributed to the ending of his marriage. The lawsuit names Attorney General Peter Kilmartin, Diocese of Providence Bishop Thomas J. Tobin, Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano, Pope Francis and St. Peters by-the-Sea administrator Linda O'Neill as defendants.


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
The salesperson at Rue 21 in Eugene, OR, who denied the customer from even entering the store needs a wake-up call. People buy presents for other people; we call them gifts. Maybe the customer was excessively large, but that is no reason to deny a potential sale. It's all about the Benjamines. --Dave

OMG! Burger King not real royalty? Next I suppose you'll tell us that Captain Kangaroo was impersonating an officer. -R.S.
[Now you're starting to understand the hypocrisy that dominates the world of advertising. Don't worry, we all felt a little dirty when we finally uncovered that secret.]

I just want to know what the SWAT team was doing at the "Reading Roundup" in the first place. I know 6-year-olds can get rowdy, but not THAT rowdy. -Chris
[Are you kidding? I just read a story today about a 14-year-old who was shot in New Jersey. Turns out he had a loaded handgun and 30 bricks of heroin in his bedroom. Now that's entrepreneurship. When I was 14 I was still experimenting with different ways to masturbate. Kids get started on criminal careers earlier and earlier these days. You can never be too careful.]

Hi Lewis, First just let me say I love your column and wish it was longer. I like it when I read something in your column and maybe two or three days later it's in the Post. I must say though that since most Chinese restaurants have Chinese cooks and waiters it should be easy to get authentic Chinese foods all you have to do is ask them!! My friend and I used to haunt a Chinese restaurant near Great Lakes Naval base and got to be friends with the owners they would make us real Chinese food when we went in! Thanks again for the crazyness. -Patti
[I'm sure I could get real, authentic Chinese food if I really wanted it, but I have never been that curious to find out what cat tastes like.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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