Saturday, May 28, 2011

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Everybody knows what a TASER is. T.A.S.E.R. stands for Thomas A. Swift's Electric Rifle. It's sort of an homage to an old adventure novel for young adults written in 1911 about an inventor who builds a gun which fires bolts of electricity. Get it?

Police forces started using tasers in the early 1990s as a
non-lethal alternative to shooting a suspect in the face and safer for officers than entering into hand-to-hand combat with drug-fueled, homicidal sociopaths.

However, once police started to realize how effective tasers were for getting suspects or detainees to do whatever they wanted them to do, taser use began to go up. Dramatically.

Go to YouTube and type 'police taser' and you will find thousands of clips of police getting trigger happy with their tasers. Like the famous clip of the motorist who was shot in the back with a taser because he refused to sign a speeding ticket.

Now, instead of a non-lethal alternative to shooting someone, tasers have become sort of an electric police baton to be used whenever someone shows a little belligerence. But they are still used as an alternative to shooting someone. Right?

Let's go to Fort Worth, Texas where the police were dispatched to a suicidal person call. Two officers arrived to find a 46-year-old woman acting threateningly with a pair of scissors. They confronted her in a hallway where she ignored orders to drop the scissors. One officer had his pistol drawn and the other had a taser.

When the woman advanced toward the officers with the scissors still in hand the one officer understandably shot her multiple times. I mean, it wasn't like she was refusing to sign a traffic ticket. But just to be on the safe side the other officer deployed his taser anyway.

I guess you could say they were successful. The woman didn't kill herself.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

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+-- Bizarre June Holidays --+
June 1 is Dare Day
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June 5 is Festival Of Popular Delusions Day
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June 7 is National Chocolate Ice Cream Day
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(More 'Bizarre June Holidays' Next Issue)

+-- Man's luggage was baaaaaaa-d --+
DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - Customs officials at a Washington-area airport say they arrested an Ethiopian with nearly 90 pounds of sheep meat in his suitcases. Agents at Dulles International Airport in Northern Virginia searched the luggage after the man admitted he had brought food into the country, the New York Daily News reported. But they weren't expecting meat cooked in a red gravy and divided into 15 plastic bags that weighed 88 pounds. "That's an awful lot of food product to stuff inside one's baggage," Christopher Hess, port director for the Port of Washington, said in a statement. Federal regulations say travelers can't bring animal products into the United States from countries known to harbor certain diseases, such as foot and mouth disease and swine fever, the Daily News said. Officials threw the meat into an incinerator but allowed the unnamed man make his connecting flight to Seattle.

+-- Woman arrested for biting jerky in store --+
GRAYSLAKE, Ill. - Police in a Chicago suburb said they arrested a woman accused of biting several packages of beef jerky and returning them to a store shelf. Grayslake police said Wendy Staples, 50, refused to pay for the jerky after a Dollar General store manager observed her biting through the plastic of the packages and putting them back on the shelf, the Chicago Tribune reported Thursday. Sgt. Scott Heimos said Staples allegedly pushed the manager in the chest when she was asked to leave. He said Staples claimed to be a law enforcement officer during her arrest. "We know she's not, because we've dealt with her before," Heimos said. Staples was charged with criminal damage to property, battery and criminal trespass. She was released on $1,500 bond. Heimos said investigators do not know the motive behind the jerky-biting.

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+-- READER COMMENTS --+
Before these women who are considering genitoplasty proceed, they really should get an unbiased opinion of how they look. I hereby volunteer to help out.
[Odd. I received several similar emails. Apparently there are a lot of generous souls subscribed to Bizarre News. That or perverts.]

When I lived in Wisconsin in the 1970's you had to be married and prove it to buy condoms--talk about a bizarre law! -PHIL

The story about female genital cosmetic surgery reminds me of the old joke about a woman asking at weight watchers how many calories there are in sperm. The instructor responded if you are eating enough to matter: No guy is going to care if you are a little chunky. Why would you get genitoplasty unless you are a nudist: Who is going to ever see the change? Someone is spending too much time with a little mirror. -John

One word. Orgasm. If your clitoris is so small it is hidden by the labia, the lack of penal contact can make it difficult, if not impossible, for a woman to have an orgasm. Of course there are ways around it, but would most men bother? It's been my experience that they don't. -Patty
[There is a great answer to John's question. However, I think the issue is that the supermajority of these surgeries are done for strictly cosmetic reasons.]

Hey, Lewis, did you see all the predictions on the internet
that today (May 21, 2011) is actually going to be the end of the world? That sucks, I had so much planned for this weekend. Oh, well, I guess I'll go back to bed and sleep through the Rapture. -Chris
[Wouldn't have mattered to me. My weekend was completely open.]

+-- END OF READER COMMENTS --+
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