Bizarre News - April 2, 2014

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Here is a case against socialized medicine if there ever was one. An unfortunate British man was forced to amputate his own hand after he claimed hospitals refused to perform the operation for him.

Mark Goddard, 44, of Newton Abbot in Devon, said he has suffered nerve pain in his left arm since being involved in a motorcycle accident 16 years ago. Goddard said that he was left with no choice but to amputate his own hand, claiming hospitals had refused to perform the operation on him.

"I should not have to go to such extremes to get my pain stopped," Goddard told his local news. "There was an alternative - and that was having it done properly in hospital."

Goddard constructed a guillotine-like device in his backyard in order to rid himself of his unwanted appendage. He then threw his amputated hand into a fire, so doctors would not be able to reattach it. After he completed the amputation, Goddard was rushed to a hospital where he was treated for blood loss.

"There should never have been any need for me to do this," Goddard said. "It would have spared so much distress all round, but it was the only way. At least it will give me and my family our lives back."

Well, you have to give him a hand for his ingenuity and determination.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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*-- Busted for drinking and driving? There's an app for that --*
Although it would be preferable to never have to use it, motorists who get pulled over for drinking and driving can now rely on the "Oh Crap App" for help. The app, which was created by an Iowa law firm, is designed to "educate the public regarding their legal rights when being investigated for a criminal offense." The "DUI Defense App" also has "the emergency 'Oh Crap' button designed to be used in emergency situations where a person is being stopped or questioned by law enforcement." Pressing the button dispenses advice like "The less you say the better," and also starts a voice recorder to tape any potentially incriminating conversations. "One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking that they know their rights," Bob Rehkemper, an attorney and co-creator of the smartphone app, told KCRG. "That initial interaction is documented and is recorded so it's not a matter of what somebody remembers, or he said, she said." Any conversations the app captures are uploaded to a secure server for later access. The app has been downloaded about 4,000 times already and is available for both Apple and Google smartphones. "People end up in positions, and their rights become very important to them, to their family members, to their children. That's the purpose of this app, to understand what they do, and what they don't have to do," Rehkemper said. (UPI)


*-- Darth Vader announces he is running for president of Ukraine --*
A fresh face on the political scene in Ukraine is hoping the country will be open to embracing the power of the dark side. Darth Vader of Star Wars fame has announced he is running for the presidency of Ukraine as a candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party. "I alone can make an empire out of a republic, to restore former glory, to return lost territories and pride for this country," Vader said in a statement released by the UIP. The party, founded by Dmitry Golubov, is looking to eliminate the use of paper and create a "government by Internet." The party was officially registered in 2010. "After winning intra-party primaries by a landslide, comrade Vader will be our party's candidate," Golubov said. According to the UIP, Vader won three percent of the votes in 2012 parliamentary elections. The Voice of Russia said Vader is a candidate "whose force should definitely not be underestimated." Ukraine's presidential election will be held on May 25. (UPI)


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
Lewis, to all the smartypants readers correcting you on petit theft, they know not of which they speak. Petit theft is a charge in the state of Florida: Chapter 812.014, paragraph e. Quite honestly, that seems an odd point to feel the need to correct. -Greg

Here is Virginia it's petit larceny. It is pronounced petty, but spelled petit, which is french for small. Petit larceny is anything under $200.00. Love your stuff Lewis! -Karen
[It sounds like I have a lot of amateur grammarians and lawyers on the list...which will be handy for me if I ever get arrested for 'petty' larceny or go back to college to get an English degree.]

Hey Lewis! Your story about the man in England who said that he was the town mayor reminded me of Emperor Joshua Norton, who lived in San Francisco in the 1800s. He was a benevolent "ruler", and his people loved him. He printed his own currency, which was accepted by local businesses. He was given free rides on the public transit. He loved to go to the theater, and theater owners regularly gave him a free box. When Emperor Norton died, thousands of Californians attended his funeral. I'm happy that Emperor Norton had his life celebrated by thousands of people when he passed away. He seemed like a happy person. -Jody
[It was probably the best party of his life and he missed it by just a couple of days. The irony is that a crazy person had thousands of people attend his funeral and when my time comes my wife will probably plant me anonymously in some vacant lot.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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