Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

A Bizarre News on Wednesday? Yes. I receive a small but steady stream of emails asking me why Bizarre News isn't longer or doesn't mail more frequently. Since I don't have a good answer to that question I thought we'd test out a twice-a-week mailing format and see how readers respond.

I bet nobody saw this coming. Of course, maybe if you worked for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security you might have guessed it. That is, if you consider Bizarre News an act of terrorism (which some people do).

You probably thought the plot of the movie "Minority Report" was science fiction, or at worst, bullshit, but as we have seen proven true before, science fiction is nothing more than science that hasn't been invented yet. And in this case, bullshit that the government hasn't figured out how to implement yet.

Well, now they have. DHS has apparently begun field testing new technology designed to identify people who intend to commit a terrorist act. That's right. Intend.

It's called Future Attribute Screening Technology (or FAST). The technology uses remote sensors to measure physiological properties, such as heart rate and eye movement, which can be used to infer a person's current mindset.

The very nature of this kind of technology contradicts the age-old legal principle of innocent until proven guilty, which has been upheld by countless cases in common law.

A spokesman for the DHS, said he could not comment on the performance of FAST because the results were still being analyzed and that additional tests would continue to be conducted.

But when has the government had a tool like this and not tried to use it on its own citizens? I have only seen one story about this and could not confirm or refute it. If you know more, especially if this is a hoax, please write and let me know!

Bizarrely,
Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER: MyBizarreNews

+-- More Bizarre June Holidays --+
June 11 is National Hug Holiday & King Kamehameha Day
June 12 is Machine Day
June 13 is National Juggling Day & Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day
June 14 is Pop Goes The Weasel Day
June 15 is Smile Power Day
June 16 is National Hollerin' Contest Day
June 17 is Watergate Day and Eat Your Vegetables Day
June 18 is International Panic Day
June 19 is World Sauntering Day
June 20 is Ice Cream Soda Day
(Even More Bizarre June Holidays Coming Soon...)

+-- Man seeks therapy for sausage addiction --+
LONDON - A London man said he has spent more than $3,000 on therapy to "break the spell" of his 13-sausage-per-day habit. David Harding, 47, said the therapy has thus far brought him no closer to "freeing" himself from his sausage addiction, the Daily Mirror reported Monday. "I genuinely cannot bear the thought of living without sausages," Harding said. "Drug addicts crave their fix, and it's the same for me -- except my drug is a banger." Harding said he spends about $1,150 annually on sausages and eats as many as 13 each day. "Apparently I just like sausages -- plain and simple. I don't see that there is anything wrong with that, but I do think that I have to look at ways to control
my urges," Harding said.

+-- Tornado carries photo 120 miles --+
HACKLEBURG, Ala. - An Alabama couple whose house was destroyed by a tornado said their 1982 wedding photo turned up at a home in Tennessee. Freida and Mike Evans of Hackleburg said the photo was among the items lost when a tornado leveled their home April 27 and it traveled about 120 miles before turning up in a Lincoln County, Tenn., family's yard, the Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal reported Monday. The Tennessee family had the photo printed in the Daily Journal to find the owners. The Evans family said the picture appears to be completely undamaged. "When we go through trials, it makes us stronger," Freida Evans said. "I am survivor. I had depended on my faith and church family to get us through after the accident, and that's what we'll do now. We'll be able to build back."

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+-- READER COMMENTS --+
Hey Lewis: A guy here in Columbia, MO threatened to jump off a pedestrian bridge over I-70. He was tazed by the cops and he fell of the bridge. He survived his fall, however.
[Another great application of the taser.]

To the man who was predicting the end of the world last week then when the day ended said, Oops, My bad... it's going to be in October." He also had predicted this in the 90's... he should sign a "3 strikes you're out" paper stating after this date he should no longer have the right to soapbox speeches... an the Mayans missed their "End of the World" by a 1000 years or so.
[I don't think you need a prophet or even the Mayan calendar to predict the end of the world. The collapse of the global economy, the collapse of the ecosystem and the rise of the police state. We're practically there.]

You said that the suicidal woman didn't kill herself. Yes she did. she used a phenomenon known as suicide by cop. A suicidal person threatens a police officer to provoke a lethal response. It was her choice to do that and she successfully killed herself without actually committing the act. -HM
[I have heard of this phenomenon and usually it takes more than a pair of scissors to provoke a lethal response.]

I know a lot of women preferrentially seek out prison inmates for romantic reasons, but if, according to Patty, "the lack of penal contact can make it difficult, if not impossible, for a woman to have an orgasm," I think she's doing it wrong. Just sayin'. -PG, Denver
[The advantage of having a boyfriend or husband in prison is that his significant other always knows where he is at night.]

+-- END OF READER COMMENTS --+
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Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Lewis