Bizarre News - June 28, 2014

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

A Chinese hospital in Nanjing, capital of Jiangsu Province, has introduced a new machine that makes sperm donation even easier--an automatic sperm extractor. Because if there is one thing they need in China it is easier access to sperm.

The effortless machine features a massage pipe that can be adjusted to suit the height of the user. All the gentleman has to do is plug in the frequency, amplitude and temperature and, uhhh, insert. The pipe does the rest with a gentle back-and-forth motion.

It is even equipped with a small screen for those feeling uninspired.

With a population over one and a quarter billion souls, I don't think the Chinese are uninspired in this area. However, according to the director of the urology department of the hospital, the machine is designed to help individuals that are finding it difficult to retrieve sperm the old fashioned way. If you ask me, I think this technology has a huge application outside of the medical field. Hell, if engineer and figure out how to get this machine to make a sandwich and do laundry it would be a revolution for malekind.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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*-- Bear falls through skylight in Alaska and starts eating cupcakes --*
JUNEAU, Alaska (UPI) - A 180-pound bear crashed through an Alaska couple's skylight and ate the cupcakes they had out for their child's birthday party. The homeowners quickly vacated the room and allowed the bear to devour the tasty treats. "I was literally in the room, and I heard this cracking," homeowner Glenn Merrill told the Juneau Empire. "And the next thing you know, there's this bear that, I mean, literally, fell right from (the skylight). It was like one meter away from me." Merrill's house is on a mountainside that overlooks downtown Juneau. "There probably isn't a neighborhood or place where we have homes where the potential isn't there for you to run into a bear or observe a bear," Ryan Scott of the Alaska Department of Fish and Game told the CBC. "There is really no place where the potential isn't there." The bear eventually left the residence after being yelled at, but it lingered in the backyard and continued to look in the window. "He wanted back in, that's for sure," Merrill said. The same bear allegedly entered another home in the area, so authorities thought it was best to have the animal destroyed because it was a threat to humans. "We don't take killing or destroying bears lightly," Scott said. "People were inside that building. I think it was appropriate for that given the situation."


*-- Man who was sent from 'Planet Zoltron' attacks police cruiser in Michigan --*
MUSKEGON COUNTY, Mich. (UPI) - A Michigan man who was claiming to be a resident of "Planet Zoltron" is facing a number of charges after he allegedly attacked a Muskegon County Sheriff deputy's cruiser with a four-foot metal pipe. Officers were investigating reports about a man breaking into homes when they came across Calquan Dion Burr. On the dash camera video, Burr can be seen charging the cruiser, jumping on the hood of the car and attacking the windshield. "The officers rounds the corner and it is dark out - he had no time to react. The guy is already running at the car. He almost had zero time to respond and there was no time to avoid him," Lt. Shane Brown of the Muskegon County Sheriff's Department told WZZM-TV. While the 20-year-old was being arrested, he told police that he could have "tackled that car and could have crushed it if he wanted to," according to the Muskegon Chronicle. "He also claimed he was from the Planet Zoltron and that his father sent him." Burr appeared to be on "mind-altering drugs" and a witness said that he seemed "drunk or high and was talking about seeing blue orbits." The suspect was charged with malicious destruction of property, damaging police property, assault and other charges.


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
Kuna? Ada County? I'm thinking this story was in Idaho, not Iowa... Don't worry, most people can't seem to keep this straight. -Vic
[You da ho?]

Perhaps he forgot why he came to the churches toilet in the first place. He was inebriated and remembered why he took his clothes off in the first place. After all, he probably didn't want to soil his pants. -Mikey

Maybe it's just so boring in Louisiana that jumping on a gator is considered something fun to do on a Saturday night.
[Or maybe the "gators" in Louisiana are more hospitable than the hookers.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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