Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Sure, holiday shopping is stressful, but do we really need to resort to pepper spray? Or hatchets? Well, maybe if you are shoplifting Marilyn Manson CDs like this man in Washington state.

Police in Longview say a shoplifter with a hatchet sliced off most of a store security guard's ear when confronted.

The assault took place just outside the garden center entrance of a Fred Meyer store. Head of security David Morrison was working around noon when he saw an unidentified suspect steal four items: a Marilyn Manson CD, a bike inner-tube, a bike lock and a quart of oil.

Morrison and another security officer were trying to contact the man when he pulled a small hatchet out of his waistband and swung, chopping off nearly the entire ear.

The man apparently left the stolen items in a cart and fled.

The ear was recovered and the guard was taken to the hospital for emergency plastic surgery, but it is unclear whether doctors were able to reattach the ear.

The attacker remains at large.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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*-- School gives belts to sagging pupils --*
ROCK HILL, S.C. - Administrators at a South Carolina high school said students caught with saggy pants will now receive loaner belts instead of written referrals. William Cureton, an administrative assistant and assistant football coach for Northwestern High School in Rock Hill, said he came up with the idea for the loaner belts after talking to colleagues who were similarly frustrated by students whose pants sag beneath their underwear, the Rock Hill Herald reported Monday. "We see kids with their britches hanging down all the time," Cureton said. "We want to change the culture." Cureton said school administrators have come up with a slogan for the policy, "Pull 'em up, and buckle 'em up."

*-- Man trashed house, thought woman trapped --*
WEST VALLEY CITY, Utah - Police in Utah said a man who had taken a substance destroyed the inside of his father's home because he was convinced his girlfriend was trapped in the walls. West Valley City police said the man, who had apparently overdosed on a substance, called for help Saturday afternoon and told officers he had heard his girlfriend calling from help from behind the walls of the home, the Salt Lake Tribune reported Monday. Police said they found the man had destroyed the interior of the home, which belongs to his father, who was out of town at the time of the incident. Investigators said they found the girlfriend was vacationing in Texas and was unaware of the incident.

*-- READER COMMENTS --*
If they didn't like the terms of the contract, they shouldn't have taken the job. Accepting those terms is consent, which makes the charge of aggravated sexual battery void. If at any time they did not consent, they should have quit. If they entered into the contract knowing that they would not consent, that's fraud. End result, loss of jobs by however many worked at the restaurant and public expense of jailing the man for two years. Wonder why the economy is going down and jobs are lost while government expenses are always increasing.
[Paying college girls to spank them is hardly what most courts would consider a "binding" contract. But what do I know?]

Hilary Clinton is most certainly not ugly! And, unless she has rejected your sexual advances, how would you know whether she's frigid? I wonder whether you might be intimidated by smart women! -Charles
[So how long have you been legally blind?]

Lewis, Viagra is way over rated. I took 12 last night and only 9 of them worked. -Bill
[If an erection lasts more than four hours, you better get more ladies.]

Hi, Lewis! Last week you printed a question from a woman who complained that it seemed there were fewer stories in the newsletters. I thought so also, so I spent an enjoyable hour or so re-reading the newsletters in the archives. And no, the amount of stories has remained the same, just as you stated. So perhaps our problem is that we just need more! -Debbie
[As they say in show business, always leave 'em wanting more.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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