Bizarre News - March 28, 2015

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Agriculture in the United States really started to change in the 1990s. That was when big agribusiness really started to take over and began to introduce genetically engineered food proteins and hormones.

Some engineered foods are designed to yield bigger crops, some are designed to withstand increasing doses of weed killer. This has the nice, little ancillary benefit of promoting increased sales of weed killer. And I'll give you one good guess as to who the biggest producer of that stuff is.

Now, you might think that all of this genetically engineered food is carefully tested and regulated. Nope. The attitude of the United States is that what you don't know can't hurt you.

The rest of the world doesn't feel that way. In fact, most genetically engineered foods, proteins and hormones are illegal in most of the rest of the world.

Stupid foreigners.

On the other hand; incidences of cancer in the United States has increased dramatically in the last 20 years or so, for some mysterious reason. In fact, the U.S. now has the highest rates of cancer of any country in the world.

According to the American Cancer Society, migration studies show that if you were to move to the U.S. from someplace like Japan your likelihood of developing cancer increases four-fold! In fact, one out of two American men and one out of three women are expected to get cancer in their lifetime.

Stupid foreigners.

But that still doesn't keep big agribusiness from pushing their poisons in the rest of the world. Not that it is working all that well.

Recently a jerk-off American lobbyist for agri-giant Monsanto was claiming on a French television show that their weed killer Roundup was so safe for humans that a person could "drink a whole quart of it and it won't hurt you."

"You want to drink some?" the interviewer asked.

"I'd be happy to, actually," the American replied.

"If you say so," the interviewer says, "I have some."

To which the lobbyist quickly answered, "I'm not stupid." At which point he got up and walked out on the interview.

I guess he meant a French person could drink a whole quart of it, not real people. I mean, if they can handle all of that wine and cigarettes a little Roundup should be no problem.

Stupid foreigners.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

Questions? Comments? Email Lewis


*-- Australian woman accused of squirting breast milk on police officer --*
FREMANTLE, Australia (UPI) - An Australian woman was denied bail after she allegedly squirted breast milk on a police officer's head, arms and clothes. Authorities said Erica Leeder, 26, of Calista, Western Australia, was being searched Tuesday at the Fremantle police station after being arrested on an unspecified warrant. Police said Leeder, who was nude from the waist up during the search, grabbed her own breast and squirted milk onto the forehead, arms and clothes of the female officer conducting the search. Leeder appeared Wednesday in Fremantle Magistrate's Court on a charge of assaulting a public officer. She was denied bail and ordered to undergo a mental health evaluation prior to her next court appearance March 31. The magistrate said a previous conviction for assaulting a police officer factored into the decision to deny bail. The Western Australia Police Union said the assault charge from Tuesday's incident was partially due to the possibility of spreading disease from the breast milk.


*-- Australian disability conference not wheelchair accessible --*
MELBOURNE (UPI) - Activists are criticizing the National Disability Summit in Australia after a speaker had to be carried on stage because the venue wasn't wheelchair accessible. Jarrod Marrinon, who attended the conference organized by Informa Australia in Melbourne last week, tweeted a picture showing Deborah Haygarth, a speaker at the event, being carried off the stage because the venue was not wheelchair accessible. "This is a disabled speaker carried off stage. No ramps. #shame," he tweeted. Marrinon took another photo showing the disabled restroom at the conference was out of use because it was being used to store extra chairs. Jax Jacki Brown, a disabled rights activist who also attended the conference, said only seven disabled people and their five carers were invited to participate in the conference, which had a total 133 attendees. "I feel like I was actively excluded when they realized I was a person with a disability wanting to attend, and I also feel rather annoyed that they said that they were going to give the remaining tickets to people with disabilities so that more than 12 people with disabilities could attend," Brown told 9News. "But that never eventuated." "They positioned us at special little tables away from where everyone else was sitting ... way off to the right and the left further up the back of the room," Brown said. "It really created this feeling that people with disabilities weren't part of the bigger conference and the bigger discussion." Brown said in a blog post that there were other accessibility issues at the event. "The food provided was up on really tall tables... wheelchair users could not access it," she said. Susan Ryan, disability discrimination commissioner at the Australian Human Rights Commission, said on Twitter the organizers of the event have been contacted "regarding the accessibility issues."


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
Since the terrorist name is ISIL not ISIS I don't no why they would fire someone with a person name tattooed on. If you check you'll see the name is ISIL not ISIS! -Michell
[I guess that depends on who you talk to. The last 'S' in ISIS stands for Syria, while the 'L' in ISIL stands for Levant. Which is more sinister? The plan to conquer Syria or the plan to conquer Oscar Levant? Especially since he died in 1972. That's kind of creepy. But if that will make them happy I say dig him up and ship him over there.]

Dear Lewis; The German hooker in training seems to be a good idea. Free health care and a good time and getting paid for it! People have been having sex forever. I suppose most of us were conceived by two people. Some may have been adopted by parents that can't conceive for a variety of reasons. As long as proper training and care are administered and a lot of love and attention. Unfortunately, many people tend to have unprotected sex and don't care about the consequences. -Mike
[Your comment seems to be a bit rambling, so let me see if I have this straight; are you suggesting that 'properly trained' hookers should be allowed to administer sex education? Because if so...that is GENIUS!]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
***
Missed an Issue? Visit the Bizarre News Archives

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: LEWIS