Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

If the government can do it, why can't homeowner's associations? You pay your federal income tax, your state income tax, your municipal taxes, your Social Security and Medicare taxes, investment and estate (death) taxes, you pay sales tax, property tax, excise taxes and TWO gasoline taxes. You also pay for license plate stickers, city stickers, toll roads, parking meters and airport security fees (all taxes, don't fool yourself) and if your government has its way, you'll soon be paying a "value added tax" as well.

Why would anybody think that a private bureaucracy would be better than a public one? They aren't. Take the example of this homeowner's association in Denver, Colorado that got a little carried away with their authority to levy fines.

A Denver woman said her HOA is fining her $200 for having brown spots on her yard amid drought conditions.

Lori Worthman said she has been trying to get her grass to grow, but her attempts have been unsuccessful and the city has declared a Stage 1 drought and imposed watering restrictions.

"I'm glad to try to reseed again when it cools off, but we're in the middle of a heat wave," Worthman said.

However, the Green Valley Ranch Homeowner's Association wants her to pay a $200 fine for failing to make her grass grow.

"We would much rather have her fix the problem than collect the fine," association president James Tanner said. "If your house looks like trash then it's going to depreciate the value of everything around you. That's what an HOA is for is to establish and maintain property values."

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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*-- Burglar takes cheese from Pizza Hut --*
ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, Fla. - Police in Florida said a man who broke into a Pizza Hut store took two cases of mozzarella cheese when he was unable to open the cash register. Altamonte Springs police said the shoeless bandit was recorded on surveillance video at 2 a.m. June 9 breaking into the store by smashing the glass of the front door with a crowbar and attempting to open a cash register by slamming it on the ground, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported Tuesday. Police said the man was unable to open the register and then proceeded to the kitchen, where he took two cases of mozzarella cheese before leaving the store. Police said they are attempting to identify the burglar.

*-- Human mattress domino record broken --*
BEIJING - Guinness World Records said 1,001 people clung tight to mattresses in China to set the world record for largest human mattress dominoes. Guinness adjudicator Dong Cheng said the volunteers gathered in Shanghai to beat the record of 850, which was set in February in New Orleans. Cheng said the human mattress dominoes took 11 minutes and 11 seconds to fall. "For an event like this involving 1,000 people, to succeed [the] first time is not just about luck. All other conditions must be correct. First of all, all the participants must fully understand the rules," Cheng said. "Second, the volunteers were all very brave. No one dodged when the 2-meter-high [about 6 feet-high] mattress fell onto them."

*-- READER COMMENTS --*
OK, the woman went too far by trying take the sign out of her neighbor's yard. After all, it's private property and they have a right to be secure in their own yard and unmolested by the neighbor, even if the sign is distasteful to her. What she should have done was find a nice big picture of a vagina and laminated it and put it in her yard with an arrow pointing to the neighbor. Think the message would be clear, she has 'em, they don't. -Tom
[That's what we need, more public vaginas.]

OK Lewis, I've been reading your letters from almost the beginning. I see a link on the last letter that says meet the staff... I didn't see a picture with Lewis next to it. What gives, even the guard dog was on there? You can't be in that much trouble with the management. -Gene
[I don't want anybody to recognize me from my porn days back in the 80s.]

I don't need a drink or two for wanting to strap my kids and wife to the hood, just earplugs for a long trip. -Dave
[Yeah, that screaming can get pretty annoying after a while.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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