Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Sometimes there is too much focus on gun violence and not enough focus on other, more insidious vehicles of murder; like the deadly vagina.

A woman from Sao Jose do Rio Preto in Brazil is accused of trying to kill her husband by putting poison inside her privates - then asking him to perform oral sex on her.

The woman planted a toxic substance in her genitals then lured her husband to bed. But when she asked him to give her oral sex, he is said to have fled after noticing a strange smell. If that were his only criteria for refusing oral sex she probably never got any.

The suspicious husband then took his wife to the hospital where doctors carried out tests and found she had ingested a poisonous substance.

Leave it to a Brazil. Only a country that has produced the 'Brazilian' wax would have women this diabolical. Usually it takes a vagina decades to kill a man, this woman figured out how to do it overnight.

Her husband is now suing her for the alleged attempted murder.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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Questions? Comments? Email Lewis


*-- Funeral procession stops at Burger King --*
WEST YORK, Pa. - Family members of a Pennsylvania man who loved Burger King said they took his funeral procession through the drive-through. Linda Phiel, one of the three daughters of West York man David Kime Jr., who died at the age of 88 Jan. 20, said her father enjoyed fast food daily, so the family took his funeral procession through the Burger King drive-through Saturday for one last Whopper Jr., the York Daily Record reported Monday. "He always lived by his own rules," Phiel said. "His version of eating healthy was the lettuce on the Whopper Jr." Margaret Hess, head manager of the Manchester Township Burger King, said the funeral procession ordered 40 of the sandwiches. "They also wanted one for the deceased," Hess said. Phiel said she placed Kime's final the Whopper Jr. atop her father's casket before it was buried.


*-- Women drive away robber with 'Jesus' --*
LAKE CITY, Fla. - Florida police said an armed robber who interrupted a jewelry party left empty-handed when the homeowner started a chant of "Jesus." Jacquie Hagler of Lake City said she was hosting a group of 14 women at her house Friday for a jewelry party when the gunman, who had a bandana across his face, entered the home and ordered the women to hand over their money and phones, WJXT-TV, Jacksonville, Fla., reported Monday. Police said one woman believed the incident to be a gag and said the weapon was a "water gun," leading the robber to put the gun to her head and threaten to "shoot someone." Hagler said she decided her faith was the answer. "When I realized what was going on, I stood up and said, 'In the name of Jesus, get out of my house now.' And he said, 'I'm going to shoot someone.' And I said it again, real boldly," Hagler said. "Everybody started chanting, 'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,' and he did a quick scan of the room, and ran out the door as fast as he could go." Police said they arrested Derek Lee, 24, on suspicion of home invasion robbery. He was being held in lieu of $200,000 bond. Investigators said they are investigating whether Lee was also involved in an attempted robbery at a nearby ATM moments prior to the incident at Hagler's home.


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
You are right when you look askance at people making false statements and then closing the discussion with the one word addendum, "Fact." For the last quarter century, gun deaths in the US per year have been mostly in the 30 to 35 thousand range. There are many more suicides than assaults. The fact your reader contorted into absurdity was published by Breitbart. In the survey year 2011, per the FBI, 323 people were killed by rifles, compared to 496 for trauma by blunt objects, such as hammers and clubs. Rifle deaths accounted for only 1 percent of the "gun deaths" your reader cites. -Marcos

Dear Lewis, love your pieces. It was pitty that kept the woman from North Fort Meyers from killing the naked man in her home. Pitty she ran out of bullets! -Brian
[Let's not get carried away with our home defense fantasies. If taking your clothes off in somebody's home because you are drunk were punishable by death I would have ended up in a basket a long time ago!]

The article didn't mention he crapped not once but twice in the house and masterbated. He deserved a swatting with a newspaper on the nose for crapping... but with the internet newspapers are almost extinct.
[I did read that in another version of the story I found. You would think that if a person found someone naked and shitting on their living room floor, that person would not wait to get their gun and fire a couple shots to scare the perpetrator away.]

Hey Lewis, you said the guy in Florida went outside to see what the noise was coming from, got tackled by a naked man, watched him run into his house, pulled a large-screen TV off its stand and he doesn't do anything until this naked stranger starts towards the couple's son's bedroom? I'm sure a gun wasn't needed. I'm sure he could've talked sense into this man. That approach certainly worked for Neville Chamberlain when he signed The Munich Agreement in 1938 with Hitler, didn't it?
[Hitler broke into Neville Chamberlain's house while naked and shit on his floor?]

In your debate on gun control much has been said about taking guns from 'law abiding citizens', leaving them in the hands of the criminals. But where do the criminals get them? A news item here in Australia has stated that in the US each year, some 26,000 guns are stolen from gun shops while 230,000 are stolen in home burglaries. -Aussie Andrew
[Where do the criminals get their guns? You mean when they are not buying them from the police? I seriously doubt they are stolen from gun shops. Those places are like fortresses. Home burglaries are more likely, or they are run up from Mexico where they are allowed to walk by the BATF.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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