Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

If you wanted to find vampires where would you look? The sunshine state, of course! Police say a woman told a 69-year-old St. Petersburg, Florida man she was a vampire before biting off chunks of his face and lip. Do you still think vampires are sexy?

Milton Ellis told police he was sleeping in his motorized wheelchair on the porch of a vacant Hooters (why not) when the attack happened.

Police say the man woke up to find 22-year-old Josephine Rebecca Smith on top of him. Ellis escaped after the attack and called police who found Smith at the restaurant, half naked and covered in blood.

The injuries to Ellis required stitches.

The St. Petersburg Times reports Smith told police she had no idea what happened.

She was arrested on a charge of aggravated battery on an elderly person.

The moral of this story? Stay the hell away from vacant Hooters restaurants unless you enjoy being given stitches all over your face by half naked, 22-year-old vampire chicks!

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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*-- Man sues White Castle for bigger chairs --*
NANUET, N.Y. - A 290-pound New York state man suing his local White Castle restaurant for bigger seats claims the chain violated the Americans with Disabilities Act. Martin Kessman, 64, who weighs 290 pounds, said he first realized he couldn't fit into the stationary booths at the Nanuet White Castle in April 2009 and the restaurant responded to his written complaint with three "very condescending letters," the New York Post reported Monday. "In each letter was a coupon for three free hamburgers -- but the cheese was extra!" Kessman wrote in his lawsuit, which was filed in New York federal court last week. Kessman said restaurant officials promised to put in larger seats, but they have failed to follow through more than two years later. The Americans with Disabilities Act is "applicable, not only to me, but to pregnant women and to handicapped people," he said in the lawsuit. "I just want to sit down like a normal person," Kessman said. The lawsuit is seeking larger chairs at the eatery and unspecified damages.

*-- Burglar takes shower, nap --*
WICHITA, Kan. - Police in Kansas say a would-be burglar didn't get around to finishing his crime, instead taking a shower and a nap in the home. Wichita police said the 35-year-old homeless man, whose name was not released, collected items he planned to steal at the home Saturday afternoon, but never got the chance to leave with them because he was sleeping in a bedroom when the homeowners arrived, The Wichita Eagle reported Tuesday. Police Lt. Steve Kenney said the couple called police and officers discovered the man, who had taken a shower and was partially dressed in clothing belonging to the husband, hiding in a closet. The suspect was arrested and taken to the Sedgwick County Jail.

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*-- READER COMMENTS --*
The story about the man who tried to shoplift lobsters in his pockets reminds me of a story I read several years ago about a man in England who tried the same thing. There were two differences: he put the lobsters down his pants instead of in his pockets, and the lobsters didn't have rubber bands on their claws. The lobsters showed their displeasure with the situation by giving the man a vasectomy! I'll bet he never eats seafood again. -Jody
[They'd have to get pretty deep in order to damage the vasa deferentia, and in that case his balls would have pretty much been clipped off! Maybe they circumcised him? Did your story mention if the lobsters were Jewish?]

How did this guy fit two live lobsters in his pockets? Either he had very big pockets or they were very small lobsters! -Chris
[Maybe they were crawfish...]

They have some strange laws in Arizona. I live in florida. When my ex wife stabbed me 17 times they arrested me. I was standing in a pool of my own blood and the Police Officer accused me of pushing her. I said I did push her away from me because she was stabbing me. He said: well then your going to Jail. -Mike
[Well, you married her.]

Lewis, I'm not surprised to read about the man being bitten in the crotch by a lobster. The poor creature was just defending his territory against the infamous trouser snake! -Wendy

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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