Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

When we describe a man with considerable guts, nerve or bravado we say, "That guy has got some big balls." Or if we are slightly more sophisticated we might make reference to "testicular fortitude."

But having outsized gonads is not always a good thing, especially if they tip the scales at 140 pounds. You might think something like that would make an excellent leg rest, or at least get you a spot in some freaky pornos, but for 49-year-old Wesley Warren, Jr. it was a nightmare.

Warren couldn't have sex and suffered from crippling pain from carrying around the testicles - which weighed more than a baby hippo. He had to wear a hoodie top as trousers to support the load.

When he could take no more he submitted to a 13-hour procedure to remove his swollen testicles. Unfortunately, while relieving him of his burden it also left him with a tiny penis. Now he is afraid he will never be able to have a relationship with a woman.

Wesley said, "I know the majority of people are probably expecting me to express extreme happiness and glee that my life has been transformed since the sac has been removed - but it's not as simple as that."

I don't know. Which would you rather have; 140-pound balls or a one-inch penis?

Bizarrely,
Lewis

P.S. Don't forget to cast your vote on the new Bizarre News Poll that can be found on the Bizarre News Archives page.

Questions? Comments? Email Lewis


* Police officer surprised by monkey at traffic stop *
ARANSAS PASS, Texas - A Texas police officer said a traffic stop took a turn for the bizarre when he was attacked by the motorist's monkey. Aransas Pass Police Officer Keith Moore, 21, who joined the police department three months ago, said he pulled over a truck for speeding Wednesday and when he reached into the vehicle to hand the citation to the driver, a monkey jumped up from the back seat and attacked his hand, KRIS-TV, Corpus Christi, Texas, reported Monday. Moore said it was difficult to explain the situation to his supervisor. "My sergeant thought I had initially got stung with a bee but it wasn't," Moore said. "I ended up telling him when I was walking back that it was a monkey that came out of nowhere." The incident was caught on Moore's police-issue video camera. "He's got a monkey and it attacked my hand. I'm not even kidding," Moore can be heard telling the sergeant on the recording. Police said they determined the monkey was a professional primate trained for appearances at carnivals and festivals. The driver was not penalized for the attack on the officer's hand.


* Ontario-owned liquor store criticized for teacher gift card ad *
TORONTO - Ontario's state-run liquor store chain has drawn criticism for an ad appearing to tell kids to give gift cards for liquor to their teachers. Some parents said they were shocked to see the advertisement on the website for the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, which said to "thank your teacher for a great year with an LCBO gift card" and featured an image of a chalkboard marked with the letters "ABC," The Toronto Star reported Tuesday. "Why target children?" asked mother Jackie Allen, whose son, Jaden, 7, is finishing the first grade. "Since when is it OK for kids to give liquor to their teachers?" LCBO spokeswoman Heather MacGregor said the advertisement is meant to appeal to parents seeking to get year-end gifts for their children's teachers. "What we're doing with the ad is encouraging parents who have already made the decision to buy a gift for their son or daughter's teacher, to consider looking at an LCBO gift card," she said. MacGregor said minors can legally buy gift cards at the store, but the ad is not meant to encourage the practice.


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
That's the job I want. Get a four day paid vacation for getting a little erotic show. -Lee

Okay, I don't know how things are in Alaska, but am I the only one who is wondering why the Wal-Mart shoplifter actually had a gun on him in the first place? -Chris
[Are you kidding? With all the lethal wildlife in Alaska I would think everybody carries a firearm of some sort. Didn't you ever see "Death Hunt"?]

Hi Lewis, Sorry, don't scoff, but that form of entry is well known to the police here in Perth, Western Australia. A cop once told me that a couple of local (Aboriginal) families would take along a young child on their late night "free shopping trips", and push him through dog doors and cat flaps, and he'd then open the doors from the inside. Talk about teaching them young! -Sandy

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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