April 27, 2024

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

My brothers and their sons came over for lunch this weekend. We got to talking about something and it was clear my nephew was lying.

"I call BS," I said.

"I don't lie."

"You don't lie?" I said incredulously. Then I borrowed a line from Christopher Walken in that excellent movie, True Romance, "'You're the world heavyweight champion of liars!'"

He dug in and said, "I haven't told a lie since I was 12."

"Stop digging boy!" I said. "You've been full of crap since you learned to talk. And everyone lies. I've lied four times today."

My son chimed in and said, "Yeah and he's been alone all day!"



Why Guys Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.