June 01, 2023

Greetings Laff Lovers,

It's been 17 years since I bought a car, and one of the consequences of that impressive lag in vehicles is that there is a 16 year gap between the technology I'm used to and the technology I am challenged with now.

The radio, for example. The radio in the old Tahoe had 2 knobs, 3 settings and 6 buttons. The new vehicle doesn't have a radio, it has an 'infotainment' system, whatever the hell that is. In the middle of my dashboard there is a touchscreen that is populated by a number of hieroglyphics that are mostly indecipherable. I recognize the little 'musical notes on a bar' symbol, and there is a phone symbol, but there are also arrows, starbursts, crosses, flowers and bird wings which I have no idea what they do.

In addition there are tabs like 'system', 'vehicle', 'apps' and 'settings' that take the user through whole mazes of options that I'm afraid to get into.

To be honest... I've had the vehicle for 10 days now and I still haven't figured out if the thing even receives FM radio. I've just been listening to a setting entitled 'smooth jazz' for 10 days.

Another thing the new vehicle doesn't have is a key. You just get in and press a button and the engine starts. That's hard to get used to! I still make an instinctive reach for the steering column with my right hand every time I get in. It's 35 years of muscle memory. It's definitely more convenient, but the problem is because there is no key to turn off I tend to forget the 'fob' in the vehicle when I get out. The wife has already had to remind me twice to take it with me when I leave the vehicle.

There are also a whole new set of mysterious buttons on the steering wheel itself that I'm afraid to touch. Who knows what those do. I feel like if I'm not careful I'm going to accidentally turn the engine off while I'm on the expressway or something!

It goes against every fiber of my being as a man - but I think I'm going to have to read the instructions.

I had the old Tahoe for 17 years and I think I looked in the owner's manual twice.

Somehow I feel emasculated.

Email: joe@gopher-news.com

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At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.



"A third-grade class in New Jersey recently found a boa constrictor in the back of their classroom. Even scarier, they DIDN'T find Billy." -Seth Meyers



The Down Side of Cubicles:

* Being told to "Think outside the box" when I'm in the box all day.

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

* Lack of rafters for the noose.

* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra without comment.

* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.

* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.



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