February 08, 2023
Good morning crew,
We didn't get good news from our tax girl. We don't owe, but our refund has gone way down. Instead of using it for a weekender out of town somewhere this spring, maybe we'll go out for a nice brunch instead.
I blame the wife. She got a raise last year. That's the price you pay for a little success.
Laugh it up,
Joe
joe@gopher-news.com
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"The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence - also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce." -Conan O'Brien
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"Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk." -Jimmy Fallon
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"An art gallery in Finland recently put on an exhibition of paintings created by a brown bear named Juuso. The exhibition sold 15 of the bear's paintings, raising $8,500. Fifteen paintings - that is 14 more paintings than Van Gogh sold in his entire lifetime." -James Corden
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Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"
Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
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