December 02, 2022
Good morning crew,
It's Christmas tree shopping time again. And this weekend we're going to have nice, seasonal weather for it, too. Upper 30s F and sunny. That ought to put me in the spirit to drop a hundred bucks on a dead plant.
The story goes that Martin Luther, sometime in the early 1500s, was walking home through the woods in Saxony one wintery evening when he was inspired by the sight of stars twinkling through the branches of an evergreen tree to chop the tree down, drag it home, stand it up inside his house and turn it into a fire hazard by decorate it with burning candles.
A couple hundred years later German settlers brought the tradition to America, and today it is a nearly $6 billion industry supporting 15,000 Christmas Tree farms across the U.S. and employing over 100,000 people.
I kind of feel like the reverence Martin Luther meant to inspire with his Christmas tree has been diluted a bit.
Still, having a real tree in the house does tend to bring out the Christmas spirit. Maybe it will keep me from being a complete Scrooge for the next three weeks.
Laugh it up,
Joe
joe@gopher-news.com
P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click
GopherArchives
The Absolute Best WWII Documentary Ever Made
Visit Here To Get This 3-DVD Set For $9.99
|
"A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I'm not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million." -Seth Meyers
***
"A man in New Orleans could be facing a life sentence for stealing $31 worth of candy from a drug store. I feel for this guy. That has got to be a tough conversation once you're in prison. 'Yeah, I'm in for armed robbery and arson, what about you?' 'Oh, you know, the new peanut butter Twix.'" -James Corden
***
"I saw that one hundred years ago this month, Albert Einstein presented his theory of General Relativity, which explains how gravity works. And it also marks the last time someone actually meant it when they said, 'Way to go, Einstein.'" -Jimmy Fallon
***
My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.
At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this: "Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
Favorite Police Emergency Calls:
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn....
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
|