July 01, 2022
Good morning crew,
Welcome to a new month, folks. I hope you have a fun Independence Day weekend planned. I am going to spend the next three days shopping, cleaning and working. Planning a party always seems like a good idea when you're relaxing with a beer on a Saturday afternoon with nothing to do, but when the day starts approaching and you have 24 man hours worth of preparation ahead of you suddenly being a recluse seems like a much more attractive option.
I'll tell you one thing; having a party is a great motivation to clean. When I know actual, real life people are going to see my house I don't want to look like a good-for-nothing slob. Being a good-for-nothing slob is fine for the rest of the year, but on those few occasions I like to put on a good face.
So, tomorrow I'll be pulling out the pressure washer. I want that kitchen sparkling.
Laugh it up,
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Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches long?
A: Because otherwise it would be a foot.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she told me she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?
A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.
Q. Where should I go camping?
A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.
Q. How much food should I take?
A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.
Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.
Q. What if I get lost?
A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"