Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
 
Subscribe to DEAL OF THE DAY
 


June 11, 2021

Good morning crew,

My old high school buddy Mason asked me to go golfing with him this afternoon because every now and then he likes to feel better about himself by humiliating me.

While my golf skills rival that of a mildly epileptic chimpanzee, I do enjoy getting out on the course and whacking the ball around a bit. If I get a really good swing under me I've been known to send a divot 20 yards.

But to me the real challenge of golf is in solving the engineering problems involved with hiding a 6-pack of beer in my golf bag. Most golf clubs take a dim view of bringing alcohol onto the course - not because they want sober golfers - but because they want you to buy beer for $8 a can from their beer cart. And my parsimony will not allow me to do that.

Really, the one hurdle is getting past the starter; the guy who stands on the first tee and tells golfers when they can start. While his job is not specifically to look for alcoholic contraband, if he does see a cooler on your golf cart he will tell you to take it back to your car. So if you can make it to the second tee you can break out the beverages with impunity.

Now, it is usually taken as given that golfers will sneak a cold beer or two onto the course in their bags, but I can drink a lot more than 2 beers over 9 holes. So I need to find room for at least 6... plus a couple pounds of ice to keep them cold.

I have a soft, collapsible cooler I can stuff into the club compartment of my bag. And with a little gerrymandering I bet I can fit 6 cans into the pockets reserved for balls, tees, shoes, towels, range finders and all of the other paraphernalia golfers like to carry around with them.

The big challenge will be the ice. Where can I secret 2 or 3 pounds of ice? Down my pants? No, that would be impractical. Down Mason's pants? I wonder if it would be suspicious if I walked onto the course carrying a backpack leaking ice water?

Well, I have 4 hours to figure it out.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives


This Is An Easy Way To Stay Dry Without An Umbrella!


"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" -Paula Poundstone

***

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

***

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror--like all the passengers in his car."

***

Two buddies were getting dressed in the locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

Three elderly doctors have been friends for many years, and one afternoon at the club they started talking about their final arrangements.

The first, a dentist, says, "When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble."

"That's a very clever idea," says the cardiologist, "I'd love my tombstone to be shaped like a heart in red marble."

The urologist is silent for a bit, then says, "I'm thinking about having my ashes scattered."