January 25, 2021
Good morning crew,
Well, our office pool didn't win the billion dollar jackpot. Some lucky unnameable in Michigan won it.
But I wasn' completely devoid of luck this weekend. The wife kicked me out of the house Saturday night so she could have a girls' night with her friends, and I ended up sitting in front of a slot machine at one of our local bars. I won a hundred bucks.
Now all I have to do is figure out what to spend it all on!
Laugh it up,
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"I read about a man in Virginia who paid the DMV his $3,000 fine in pennies. It took the workers 12 hours to count them all. And that line still moved faster than the one you were in waiting in at the DMV." -Jimmy Fallon
"Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is officially shutting down. Now, the circus won't officially close until May, so if you don't get a chance to see it, you had 150 years. No one feels bad for you." -Stephen Colbert
"There's a new app out there that describes itself as Tinder for adopting babies. So one day, siblings will be taunting each other with, 'Ha ha, mom right-swiped you. You shouldn't be here.'" -Conan O'Brien
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"