October 26, 2020

Good morning crew,

I solved the tombstone problem. Saturday morning I went to the hardware store and spent about $25 on a bunch of 1/8" metal dowel rods and a really long drill bit. The solution worked beautifully. Those polystyrene tombstones are now planted firmly into the lawn. It's going to take more than a little breeze to shift them.

Unfortunately the tombstones are so thin and the polystyrene so fragile that cramming dowel rods 9 inches deep inside of them was a little tricky. Even with a pilot hole. I think if I try to perform the procedure more than once it will destroy them. So much for next year. But I was very pleased with the end result. I included a pic just because I want to show off. Creepy, isn't it?

But now that I'm getting the hang of it the whole diorama looks a little skimpy to me. Now I'm thinking that any self-respecting graveyard should have a mausoleum in it. It's too late to put one up this year, but I've already got some ideas for next year. I did a little sketching this morning and I think I can create something that I can disassemble and keep stored in the garage rafters for the 49 weeks out of the year when it would be inappropriate to have a mausoleum on my front lawn.

I'll need 7, maybe 8 sheets of 4 x 8 ft. 11/32 in. plywood sheathing, about 150 feet of 2 x 4, a couple dozen 'L' brackets, a couple boxes of zinc-coated wood screws, some paint. Oh yeah, and I guess I'll need a circular saw, too. Well, I've got all winter to think about it.

All I need is somebody with a little engineering experience to help me build it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The post office just can't get its act together. They announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better than their original plan - uninvent the Internet." -Jimmy Fallon

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"Boston Medical Center found that 15 percent of 2-year-olds in the Boston area drink as much as 4 ounces of coffee a day. Pediatricians say giving caffeine to toddlers can cause depression, diabetes, sleep disturbance, and obesity. On the plus side they get a lot more finger painting done." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"A developer has created a zero-gravity martini glass, which promises to let astronauts drink cocktails in space without spilling. Our astronauts are drinking? Guys, the first step is admitting to Houston that you have a problem." -Seth Meyers

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After shopping for weeks, I finally found the car of my dreams. It was only two years old and in beautiful condition. The salesman asked if I would like to take it for a test drive. We had traveled no more than two miles when the car broke down. The salesman called for a tow truck.

When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me with a smile and said, "Well, now, what is it going to take to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?"

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate.

We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.

After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."