Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
 
Subscribe to DEAL OF THE DAY
 


September 16, 2020

Good morning crew,

It's been a tough few weeks for me. After being sick with a nasty head cold I was finally starting to feel relatively healthy again, at least for 2 or 3 days, when I got food poisoning. I think it was food poisoning. I had abdominal cramps so bad I couldn't sit up straight.

A couple weeks ago the wife had gone shopping and brought home some off-brand box of macaroni and cheese made with real imitation lobster. I guess it was ok. We both ate it the first night and were fine the next day.

The mistake came when I decided to eat leftovers. It had only been sitting in the fridge for 2 days. Usually leftovers are good for 3 or 4 days. But not this stuff. I was sick from last Thursday until, well, more or less today.

I have not been having good luck with leftovers lately. Which is a problem. Because about half of my diet is leftovers.

But I have to husband my strength and health, because the wife has picked up this Oktoberfest party idea and is running with it. The weekend after this it looks like I'm going to be in for a party and I'd better be ready for it!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives


SOLD OUT IN STORES AND ONLINE BUT YOU CAN GET THESE HERE!


"Recently passengers on a United Airlines flight from Scotland to New Jersey got a bit of a shock when the pilot came out of the cockpit, changed out of his uniform, and fell asleep in a first-class seat. The only way this could have been more concerning for the passengers is if the pilot also had an emotional support dog." -James Corden

***

"A man in Florida has been arrested for stealing over $5 million from his job at a local credit union to produce movies. He apparently got caught after the release of his new documentary, 'How I Stole $5 Million From My Local Credit Union.'" -Seth Meyers

***

"A math blogger says he's figured out 'the world's favorite number.' It turns out that it's 7. The least popular number? The fake phone number you get when you tell a girl you're a math blogger." -Jimmy Fallon

***

One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.

She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so un-stylish," I complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?"

I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the game!