August 10, 2020
Whoa! There are barely 6 weeks of summer left. I know 2020 hasn't been the best year so far, but I'm still a little distressed at how fast it's going. I can still remember those halcyon days of going into a bar or the grocery store, or the post office without having to wear a mask like it was 4-and-a-half months ago.
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"A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients' symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, 'I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have 'Server Not Responding.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Two women from Minnesota are seeking to file discrimination charges after the police were called on them for breastfeeding at a public pool. Even worse, their kids were charged with illegally bringing in an outside beverage." -Seth Meyers
"The company that makes Ritz crackers has recalled 16 products, including Ritz cheese cracker sandwiches, over concerns of salmonella. There's definitely a moment when you're feeling sick and you're wondering, 'Is this because I consumed salmonella or because I consumed an entire box of Ritz cheese cracker sandwiches?'" -James Corden
"YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY..."
"Everything Comes In Threes" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.
"You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.
"You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.
"You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.
"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"
To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."