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August 02, 2020

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was out for lunch over the weekend and while I was sitting at the bar waiting for a table I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties talking next to me.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. Me and my girlfriend had sex ALL weekend. She's burning me out."

Wanting to share my years of wisdom I couldn't help but interjecting, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"



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"Today, in case you don't have a fun calendar in your house that tells you this sort of thing, we celebrate not just one, but two important holidays. Today is National Tequila Day. A day on which if you have too much fun you might do something you regret. It's also National Cousins Day today, where if you have too much fun you might do something you really regret." -Jimmy Kimmel

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championships and are favored to win the national competition easily.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. I'm starting to grow hair where I never had it before."

"What?" the coach says in a panic, "Where are you growing hair?"

She replies, "On my balls."

Beer Vs. Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes terrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, you will get divorced.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Pussy

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy