November 13, 2019

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

A New Jersey man who walked into a deli in Lower Township and allegedly threatened workers with a samurai sword has been taken into custody. The incident started when Ryan Crump walked into American Deli with his sword and demanded that store employees give back his cellphone.

"I thought we were going to get killed. He said he was going to slice all of us up," deli employee Lee DeBiase reported. "He told us he was going to jump across the counter and that we better find his cellphone fast." When the cellphone didn't appear, Crump brought out the sword.

"He took it out like he thought he was a samurai master. He started pointing it at everybody and swinging it around. He came pretty close to our faces and everything," said American employee Mike Houseman. "I thought he was going to cut my face open with it."

"Another inch or so, Mike wouldn't have an eye or a nose," added deli worker David Valley. Someone called 911 and Lower Township Police arrived on the scene. Crump was arrested and charged with three counts of aggravated assault, terrorist threats and other weapons offenses.

Luckily no one was injured. "When you look down at the blade of a samurai, your whole life changes," DeBiase said.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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Questions? Comments? Email: lewis@gophercentral.com

Mmmm, That's Good Poop Gin

The makers of a South African gin infused with elephant dung swear their use of the animal's excrement is no gimmick. The creators of Indlovu Gin, Les and Paula Ansley, stumbled across the idea a year ago on a safari after learning that elephants eat a variety of fruits and flowers and yet digest less than a third of it. "As a consequence, in the elephant dung, you get the most amazing variety of these botanicals," Les Ansley said. "Why don't we let the elephants do the hard work of collecting all these botanicals and we will make gin from it?" They described the gin's flavor as "lovely, wooded, almost spicy, earthy" and one that changes subtly with the seasons and location. They decided to name the gin Indlovu, which means elephant in the Zulu language. The couple did not say how much of the gin they have sold. A bottle sells for around 500 rand, or about $32.


Walmart Can't Keep This Auto Safety Accessories On Its Shelves...[MORE]

Pervert Pilot Gets $300,000 Payday

The nerve of some people. Andrew Collins, who works as a pilot for United Airlines, decided to show off his goodies while staying in a Westin hotel at Denver International Airport. The veteran pilot said when he woke up in the morning he opened the curtains and began walking around his room naked. Someone saw him and decided to complain. "That didn't mean I was standing there doing any lewd behavior," Collins reported. "I just had an expectation of privacy." Probably because his room was on the 10th floor. Sounds like deviant behavior to me. Collins' attorney said the two responding Denver police officers went too far when they entered the room without a warrant and arrested the captain for indecent exposure. The case was eventually dismissed, but not before Collins was suspended for half a year from his job. The City of Denver agreed to pay $300,000 for the wrongful arrest. Not bad for showing off your willie.

READER COMMENTS

Greetings Mr. Lewis: Yes to the comment, "You'd have to be a real asshole to want to sit on a solid gold toilet." But there should be an addition to the statement -- one REALLY RICH A__HOLE. thinking of the volume that a toilet takes up, to the amount of gold needed to fabricate the entire unit, plus the total weight involved! second you would have to have one 'HOT BUM' because gold has a high heat transfer rate, and will suck it right out of your contact points on that toilet. talk about 'blue balls'! -barry


The guy you described in the story about the battle axe is called a 'neck beard'. Usually they're harmless as long as they are provided with enough cheetos and anime porn. But if you corner one in a violent situation you could find yourself with a real vicious bastard on your hands.
[The evidence would seem to support your theory.]

END OF READER COMMENTS