September 18, 2019

Good Morning Groanies,

I think I'm losing my mind. As the family and I were loading up the car to go and visit my mom at her new condo it seems that I had placed my "little black bag" on the top of the car. The aforementioned bag contains my diabetic supplies - insulin, syringes, blood sugar monitor, auto-injector, etc. - very important stuff.

So after the kids were ready to roll Sean asked me to retrieve his favorite blanket. Of course I ran back into the house, got the blanket, and then jumped into the car and hit the road. But what about my bag? Well, apparently it was surfing the roof of our vehicle for a good three or four blocks. And when I took a left turn to get on the main drag it flew off and wiped out at the side of the road.

I didn't give the bag a second thought until it was dinnertime and I had to give myself an insulin injection. Where the heck is my bag? I looked everywhere. The car, the parking lot, my mom's condo; "Where could it be?"

"Oh, I must have left it at home," I thought. Upon returning home it was still nowhere to be found. What the H?! It didn't just walk away. Then I started to panic. Am I looking my marbles? Am I getting forgetful?

So after another frantic search that came up empty, Stacy ran out to a 24-hour pharmacy to get the insulin that I desperately needed. Upon her return I was so frazzled and scared that I just couldn't bring myself to give the shot. Stacy said, "I can do it. I just need to practice first." That's good thinking. So I gave Stacy an empty syringe and she took a banana as a substitute for my fleshy rump cheek; we were out of oranges.

Stacy asked if she was supposed to stick me with the needle slow or fast, I told her fast, and with full-force strike she brought down that needle with all of her might and stabbed that banana like as if she were trying to revive Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. "Hurry up, Lance! We're losing her!" After witnessing this event I broke the silence with a well-timed response, and pardon my French, "I'm going to the fucking hospital."

Once we both calmed down Stacy did give me the injection flawlessly. Honestly, I didn't even know she did it. It was so quick and painless. She should have became a nurse. She's got skills.

Well, believe it or not, the police did discover my "little back bag" and I now have it back in my possession. What a relief. It was such a stressful ordeal, but without fail, Stacy saved me once again. I don't know what I would do without her.

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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*-- Blonde in a Boat --*

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

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