July 19, 2019

Good morning crew,

Well, it's the apocalypse. Today the high is going to be 95 degrees and tomorrow they are forecasting 96. Just stepping outside feels like wrapping a hot, wet towel around your shoulders. It's like that scene in the movie 'The Chronicles of Riddick' when the Furyan Necromonger walks out onto the surface of the planet Crematoria and explodes into flame. Except with a lot more humidity.

WATCH: This is what it's like in the midwest right now.

Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a cookout. Ol' Mason has been itching to have a barbecue since Memorial Day and he picked tomorrow to do it. The heat will make this a unique situation when sitting outside and eating chicken wings and drinking beer will actually make me lose weight.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"According to a new report, there is a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids. Seating is limited, but usually available." -Seth Meyers

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"At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America's largest suppliers of hunting rifles." -James Corden

RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary

"On the way." - Still in bed.
"In the car." - In the shower.
"GPS says 35 min." - Getting ready.
"There's traffic." - Leaving the house.
"Parking now." - 15 minutes out.
"Can't find a spot." - 5 minutes out.
"Walking in." - Looking for a spot.

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

I just had a physical. The doctor said don't eat anything fatty.

I said, "Like bacon and cheeseburgers?"

He said, "No fatty, don't eat anything!"