July 11, 2019
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I was coming back from the bathroom this afternoon when I bumped into the customer service girl who also acts as our receptionist.
"TZ! You're here!"
"Of course, I'm here," I answered. "Where else would I be, out somewhere living a fulfilling and satisfying life?"
"You had two phone calls and the boss was looking for you. I told everybody you were gone for the day."
"I was just in the bathroom, for Christ's sake."
"What do you do in there for a half hour at a time!"
"For me, shitting is a spiritual experience," I told her. "Plus, I wanted to finish the last chapter of this book."
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"A new survey revealed that the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. In my case, that's two minutes for sex and 17 minutes for apologizing." -Conan O'Brien
A man is driving his five year old to a friend's house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
"Douche-bag!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says, "Too late, douche-bag."
"The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly 'Get out of jail free' card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, 'You won a beauty contest.'" -Jimmy Fallon
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A gang-banger and his girlfriend were walking downtown one night when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the gang-banger said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing," the gang-banger said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Damn, baby!" the gangster cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!"