May 27, 2019

Good morning crew,

Happy Memorial Day to everyone. I hope you're enjoying your three day weekend, because I'm enjoying mine.

I can't take too much time out as my bratwurst is getting cold and my beer is getting warm, so I'll catch up with you again on Wednesday, unless I enjoy myself a little too much, in which case I'll catch up with you again on Friday.

By the way, if you missed the Garage Sale Event in the last issue of Clean Laffs, don't wait too long to take advantage. Those huge discount prices won't last long, and a lot of the products are limited quantities, which means when they're gone, they're gone.

Click here and take a look!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well." --Robert Benchley

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"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another." --George Carlin

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"There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex." --Bob Smith

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English professors love to catch the errors students make in their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch mixed metaphors. The "friends and survivors" of Calvin College English department collected this list of mixed metaphors and posted them on their web site:

"He swept the rug under the carpet."

"She's burning the midnight oil at both ends."

"It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire."

"It's time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."

"She's robbing Peter to pay the piper."

"He's up a tree without a paddle."

"Beware my friend...you are skating on hot water."

"Keep your ear to the grindstone."

"Sometimes you've gotta stick your neck out on a limb."

"Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter."

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.

She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.

When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.

"What?" he asked. "Again?"