May 13, 2019
Good morning crew,
I don't know if kids have changed or if I have.
Last week I was signing a young girl up for some classes at the taekwondo school. A ten-year-old. She was writing her name down on the form and I told her, "Make sure to put the date next to your name, May 4th."
She said, "I know. It's Star Wars Day. May the fourth be with you!"
"That's right," I answered. "And tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo."
"What's that?" she asked.
"Cinco de Mayo is May fifth," I explained. "That is when the Mexican Army defeated the French forces under Emperor Napoleon III at the Battle of Puebla in 1862 during the Franco-Mexican War."
She just stared at me for a few seconds and said, "I didn't understand a word you just said."
Laugh it up,
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"Today was Star Wars Day, because the day was May Fourth, as in 'May the fourth be with you.'' And now, it's technically May Fifth, Cinco de Mayo, as in 'May the fifth margarita be in you.'" -James Corden
"Scientists have developed a new kind of robot that is able to shoot a gun. In fact, earlier today, I was carjacked by my Roomba." -Conan O'Brien
"A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I'm not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million." -Seth Meyers
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Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"
John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
George: "So what are you looking for?"
John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle finances, have a forgiving personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn't hurt either."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"
John: "Oh, it's okay if she's crazy."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself."