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May 08, 2019

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

99 cent showLove ain't easy. When dating your friends fails, going to clubs fails, online dating fails, and even hook-up apps like Tinder fail, for some people there is nothing left but to surrender your romantic fate to the unholy forces of witchcraft summoned for you on your behalf by an anonymous guy you found on the Internet.

If you think this sounds just too bizarre for anybody to take seriously don't worry, the necromancer in question established his legitimacy with his clients right up front by asking them to record themselves performing sexually explicit rituals and sending him the files. As you can imagine, this did not turn out well for anybody.

31-year-old Ariel Boiteux of Argentina advertised his magic love-finding services on Facebook and Instagram, the Office of the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of California said in a news release.

When people contacted Boiteux's company, Ammares Inmediatos, they were told to record themselves performing sexually explicit rituals. Boiteux then threatened to post the videos on social media unless they paid him "large sums of money."

The Los Angeles Times reported that Boiteux targeted roughly 200 people in countries including the United States, Switzerland, Mexico and Spain. In one case, authorities said, Boiteux demanded $250,000 from a "well-connected public figure with access to significant financial resources."

Boiteux was arrested in Paraguay after an undercover agent with the Department of Homeland Security offered to buy recordings of another victim that had been posted to a public website.

Boiteux was charged with foreign transmission of an extortionate threat.

It was not reported if any of the 'spells' ever led to a successful romantic encounter. So... it still might work?


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Is That a Gator In Your Yoga Pants, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

When a Florida deputy asked a woman if she had anything else on her during a routine traffic stop, he wasn't expecting what she did next. She "proceeded to pull an alligator out of her yoga pants (about one foot in length) and placed it into the bed of the truck," the Charlotte County Sheriff's deputy said in an incident report. The driver, Michael Clemons, 22, told deputies he and his passenger, Ariel Machan-Le Quire, 25, were trying to collect frogs and snakes from under an overpass. The deputy then asked permission to search the bags in the truck to make sure "they did not collect any wildlife they were not supposed to have," the deputy wrote in the report. "Ariel opened the backpack that was on the passenger's floorboard that revealed 41 small turtles," the deputy wrote in the report. Then she pulled the alligator from her pants.

It Only Took 24 Years

A Maryland woman who claimed a $101,600 lottery jackpot said she used her lucky numbers, which came to her in a dream. The 64-year-old Baltimore woman told Maryland Lottery officials she started using combinations of the numbers 4-8-11-21-27 to play the lottery about 24 years ago after she dreamed that a man came to her and gave her the lucky digits. The lottery player purchased a ticket bearing those numbers for the May 2 Bonus Match 5 drawing, and she later bought a second identical ticket after forgetting she already had one for the drawing. Each combination of the numbers earned her a $50,000 prize, and partial matches for other tickets she purchased brought her total to $101,600.

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If you have a good woman hang onto her. She will be a collector's item one day as they phase out women replacing them with the farm-raised vaginas. Wonder if they'll be called free-range or gluten-free? Dad always said "if you're not careful you'll throw your money in a hole".

Lewis, for a very brief while in my 20s I lived in Key West, Fla, and I can tell you that story of the couple getting it on in front of the police station does not surprise me a bit. Fuck; I miss that town.