April 21, 2019
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Easter weekend is here! Unless you're not Christian in which case it's the third weekend in April.
You know, I never understood what colored eggs have to do with the resurrection of Jesus. For a long time I thought the colored eggs represented breakfast, because Jesus rose from the dead in the morning, and the first thing he had was eggs. And maybe toast. But probably not bacon, because Jesus was a Jew. But after the resurrection he wasn't a Jew any more, he was a Christian. So maybe he had bacon.
Eventually I realized that was stupid, so I looked up the real story.
As it turns out, the Persians were the first to use colored eggs to celebrate spring in 3,000 B.C. But the 13th century Macedonians were the first Christians on record to use colored eggs in Easter celebrations.
Crusaders returning from the Middle East spread the custom of coloring eggs, and Europeans began to use them to celebrate Easter.
I should have known. The fucking Macedonians.
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"Some scientists now believe that Jesus Christ had a wife. They also believe that Jesus' nephew called Jesus' wife the "Auntie Christ.'" -Conan O'Brien
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Then every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
"A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. While the other 19 percent of parents don't think it counts as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place." -Jimmy Fallon
Jesus was hanging from the cross and he called out to Peter.
"Peter, I need to see you."
Peter tried to get to the cross but the Roman soldiers fought him back.
Jesus again said, "Peter, please come here. I want to tell you something."
Again Peter tries to fight his way through the guards but once again they stop him.
One more time, Jesus says, "Peter, please, I need to tell you something.
This time, Peter musters up all of his strength, manages to get past the guards, goes up to the cross and says, "Yes my Lord, what do you want to tell me."
Jesus replies, "I can see your house from up here."