April 11, 2019
Greetings Laff Lovers,
What a day; one meeting after another. Usually I am spared this kind of bullshit, but nominally I am the company's operations manager (that means I am the asshole in charge of buying paper towels and complaining to the landlord when the toilet clogs up) so when tax time rolls around I have to let the pencil pushers stick a microscope up my ass.
Finalizing our taxes required a decision on whether to follow the advice of our whip-smart downtown Jewish law firm, or that of our south-side neighborhood Polish accountants who might not be the most meticulous (or all that good at math) but who always seem to come up with a number we like.
But nobody listens to my advice. I suggested a long time ago that we should have found some Polish Jews.
Hmmm, decisions decisions.
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"Nearly 1 million adults in the U.S. are in a same-sex marriage. That's compared to the nearly 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage." -Conan O'Brien
Two resident doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. A senior consultant had to pull them apart. "What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.
"It's the tax auditor in C ward," said one. "He's only got 2 days to live."
"He had to be told." said the second doctor.
"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"
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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no. That will never work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that still won't get by. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "Let's say I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 1,000 cocks last year."