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April 07, 2019

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Kitchen 2019You know, I keep seeing so-called 'hashtags' all over everything I read and it amazes me that Twitter is still such a big thing. #NotMySocialMedia

Maybe it's because I really don't care what anybody else thinks, but I lost interest in Twitter in less than a month. I had 12 followers. #AbjectFailure Of course, I have never been very popular, so that's not anything new. #NobodyLovesMe #GoodbyeCruelWorld

It seems like anybody who is popular on Twitter is a demagogue #NotMyPresident #OpenBorders #BlackLivesMatter #FatGirlsRock, a conspiracy nut #WhiteMalePatriarchy #WeAreNotAlone #IlluminatiRule #HanShotFirst, or a rabblerouser #BuildTheWall #ToxicFeminism #CalExit

On the other hand I never really had anything that controversial or even interesting to Tweet. #DoesThisLookInfected #FiveInchesIsPlenty #ChappedNipples

But I hate to abandon what is obviously a popular portal for facts, voices and opinions from the wide open world (no matter how stupid those voices and opinions may be). So I ask my dozens of faithful readers, if I were to reactivate my Twitter account, would you follow me? #LongShot #NotAChanceInHell #LoservillePopulationYou



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"I saw that just added 300 new words, including 'man bun' and 'sext.' As in, 'If you have a man bun, you will never receive a sext.'" -Jimmy Fallon

A young boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead puppy. He goes to the pimp and asks for the girl with the most venereal diseases. The pimp is surprised but doesn't want to turn down the money, so he gives the boy his personal bottom bitch.

After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the STDs. The boy answers:

"When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat, and I'll fuck her. When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car. Tonight, my parents will fuck. Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman...


"Apple is reportedly considering a device to put in women's bodies that tracks their menstrual cycles. It's part of Apple's new slogan, 'Think Creepy.'" -Conan O'Brien

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New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?