March 29, 2019
Good morning crew,
Payday today. Tonight I think I'll blow some of what's left of my check on dinner for the wife. She bought me dinner two nights this week and I feel like I owe her.
Tuesday night she brought me home tacos and last night she bought me some leftover beef fried rice.
So tonight I think take her to "Greasy Joe's" Bar & Pizzeria, right around the corner from the liquor store and the tattoo parlor. Friday nights from 4 to 6 they have half priced domestic bottles of beer and free, day-old pizza and chicken wings.
Laugh it up,
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"A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: 'To be, or not to be... Wait, what was the question?'" -Jimmy Fallon
"The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence - also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce." -Conan O'Brien
"A man in India has set a new world record for fastest nose-typing. I think the most surprising part of it is that there was an OLD world record for nose-typing." -Seth Meyers
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave twenty dollars to someone who was needy and down on his luck."
"Twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"
"He said, 'Thanks.'"
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5.
One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.