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March 28, 2019

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Spring 2019I read a story recently which said that having sex about once a week is the 'sweet spot' for happiness.

The story was quoting a study done by the University of Toronto, but those horny Canucks were surveying 'Mericans, so I figure the data is applicable.

What I want to know is; who the hell is getting laid once a week?

I'm lucky, LUCKY if I get to dip my spoon in the honey pot twice a month. But maybe in my middle-age I'm paying for all the frantic humping I did before my wife and I had kids.

I remember we used to screw like stoats. I used to have to rub my johnson with healing cream for friction burns.

I guess it's all caught up to me now, but you know, I bet if I averaged it all out I'm still doing better than once a week.

And if you add in masturbation I'm way above the curve.



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"In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath." -Conan O'Brien

Points to Ponder:

- We love to shop for new clothes, but we don't realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

- Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.

- Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by his girlfriend's husband.

- Arguing over a woman's breast size is like choosing between Spaten, Heineken, Carlsberg or Budweiser. Men may claim preferences, but they'll grab whatever's handy.

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"Entrepreneurs in Brazil are building a new theme park called 'ErotikaLand' and it will feature rides and attractions based around sexuality. Just a word of warning: Steer clear of Splash Mountain." -Seth Meyers

On their wedding night, the young bride went to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."