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March 16, 2019

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

ATV 2018What is the most terrifying thing you can think of? Being buried alive? Falling from a huge height? Getting trapped in a fire? Attacked by zombies? How about being swallowed whole? That last one is almost as unlikely as being attacked by zombies. It was probably the last thing on the mind of a South African tour operator who was snorkeling in the water off Port Elizabeth Harbour, but while he was distracted by filming fish one of the most unlikely things in the world almost happened to him.

South African Rainer Schimpf was filming a sardine run when he realized just how small humans are. As he was snorkeling on the surface of the water a Bryde's whale emerged and engulfed him headfirst.

"Once you're grabbed by something that's 15 tonnes heavy and very fast in the water, you realize you're actually only that small in the middle of the ocean," he said.

Mr. Schimpf said: "I was busy concentrating on the sharks because you want to know if the shark is in front of you or behind you, left or right, so we were very focused on the sharks and their behavior - then suddenly it got dark."

He estimated the whale was up to 15m long and weighed 20 tonnes, saying: "There was not really time for fear at that moment, just pure instinct."

"Once I felt something had grabbed me on the hip, I knew instantly it was a whale and my next thought was that, firstly, he can't swallow me because I'm too big - so that was kind of an instant relief.

"So my next thought was that the whale may take me down into the ocean and release me further down, so I instantly held my breath. Obviously he realized I was not what he wanted to eat so he spat me out again."

In almost 20 years as a dive tour operator, Mr. Schimpf said such an experience was unusual because the whales would usually be spotted by divers before they made a dash for dinner.


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Pistol Packin' Mamma

A Virginia woman who has seen a few too many westerns got into trouble recently while horse riding. Mariah Smith, of Arlington, and another woman were riding horses in a cemetery in Warren County, Virginia when someone told them to remove the horses from the cemetery property, according to the sheriff's office. Smith didn't like being told what to do and fired her pistol. No one was hit, but deputies were called and detained the women. Authorities say Smith had a .38 Smith and Wesson on her. She was arrested and charged with three firearms charges, including possessing a concealed firearm while under the influence. Bet you didn't see that last little detail coming, did you?

Nice Work If You Can Get It

If you think government workers are lazy, wait until you hear this. Thanks to a government-funded conceptual art project in Gothenburg, Sweden, a person will be hired for a permanent position to do absolutely nothing. The employee in question will report to Korsvagen, a train station still under construction in the city, and will receive a salary of about $2,320 a month in U.S. dollars, plus annual wage increases, vacation time off and a pension for retirement. The job's requirements couldn't be more simple: An employee shows up each morning and punches the time clock. At the end of the day, the worker returns to clock out. In between, they can do whatever they want, aside from work at another paying job. They're not even obligated to stay at the station all day long. And their employment is guaranteed for life. While the artists behind the project won't be taking applications until the station will be closer to opening, a draft of the help-wanted ad is already available online. Oh, and anyone in the world can apply. You'd just have to live in Sweden.


The guy is from Cincinnati not Dayton. Can we say drunk?
[Who? Me or him?]

That story of the woman who almost had her arm torn off by a jungle cat reminds me of the kid who climbed over a fence at an amusement park in order to fetch a hat, and had his head taken completely off by a roller coaster. It's like; at some point you have to take responsibility, right?

Lewis, who says a beer only diet is bizarre? I've been doing that 2 or 3 days a week for years.