Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
 
Subscibe to DEAL OF THE DAY
 


March 15, 2019

Good morning crew,

Closeout EventToday is an important day. And that is, namely, payday. Unfortunately, my paycheck is already spent.

About 50 percent of my check is set aside for next month's mortgage payment. About 25 percent will go to phone, utilities and cable. Another 15 percent will go to insurance. 5 percent to fuel, 15 to food and household supplies and another 15 to entertainment...

Hang on a minute...

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives


***

"This week, Wisconsin is hosting the U.S. Cheese Championship. Once again, the winner is expected to be 'Heart Disease.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"According to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. They just won't bother to tell you." -Seth Meyers

***

"The Centers for Disease Control reminds you, still the best way to avoid contracting an STD is to get really into Dungeons and Dragons in high school." -Jimmy Kimmel


Jump Start Your Car Right From The Front Seat! We've Got The Official MIGHTY JUMP For Less Than $10...Visit Our Site To Get Yours Today.


During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single."


Make the perfect omelet in 5 minutes? It's easy with the 5 Minute Chef. Cook delicious homemade meals; breakfast, chicken, beef, even desserts in minutes. No oven, no broiler. All you need is the 5 Minute Chef.

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."