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March 17, 2019

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Hot DealsI just read an article about a growing internet phenomenon called ASMR, short for autonomous sensory meridian response.

This is where people post videos of themselves making soft, rhythmic noises like; whispers, nails tapping or scratching something soft, hair brushing, or clothes rustling.

Supposedly the sounds are supposed to give you a sense of calm and waves of pleasurable quivers and tingles. Some people have referred to the effect as "brain orgasms". It's sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me, but weirdos are watching this stuff by the millions. Seriously! So apparently SOMEBODY'S having brain orgasms.

If you're interested I have linked a sample for you here. If you're into watching a woman molest a microphone while breathing through her nose and making wet 'smacking' noises with her mouth, you'll probably enjoy it.

Watch: Ear Eating Tingle Party

I feel like I should make a video of the sounds that make up my life, like whining kids, a nagging wife, a furnace that ticks and knocks, and a squeeky garage door. Although I doubt anyone will get an orgasm from that.

What would be on your ASMR video?



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There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said: "Hello. I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

Having nothing to do I said, "Come on in and sit down! Now, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Fuck if I know. I've never got this far before!"

When I was a boy, my father told me "Whatever you do, you must never open the cellar door."

Well, my father had always been very good to me, reading to me at night and keeping me fed, so for many years I followed his admonition.

But one day my curiosity could no longer be contained. I crept up to the door and slowly drew it open...

And there, to my surprise, was sunshine, green grass, blue skies.

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I saw a strip club across the street from a minigolf place, and I'm a liberal but that's too much for me. What if you're just trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and then your kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf?

An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means, 'cold blood', but how is it used?"

The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!"

The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat* is sang froid!"

"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there saying, 'Please continue', and his friend *CAN* continue, *zat* is sang froid!"