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March 14, 2019

Greetings Laff Lovers,

99 cent showAre you ready for your annual fleecing? Daylight savings time was last Sunday and I'm pretty sure the only thing it does is make you spend money you wouldn't normally have spent.

Let's look at the sport of golf as one example. It's impossible for me to even squeeze in 9 holes before daylight savings time hits. But after the change I can easily get 9 in - maybe more if I skip out of the office a little early. I read that DST is worth about $200 to $400 million to the golf industry alone.

How about shopping? It turns out they did studies and found that people spend more during daylight. Maybe that's why the most active lobby for DST is the Chamber of Commerce on behalf of retailers.

Folks, we're being fleeced and we don't even know it. It's just as bad as the commercialization of Christmas, Easter and every other religious holiday that's been turned into an oppressive, distracting, mandatory gift giving day.

DST is here and it's staying, so use it in a better way than shopping. Play catch with your kids. Shoot some hoops. Walk with your wife. And if you don't have kids or a significant other then just draw the shades, pretend it's still dark and bop your baloney like you've been doing all winter.

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"Researchers have developed a new smart tattoo that can monitor your health. There's also a smart tramp stamp that will tell you you have chlamydia." -Conan O'Brien

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey when he walked up to one man's door, "Excuse me, Sir, how many times a week do you sleep with your wife?"

"Three times," the man said without hesitation.

"Hmm, that is once more often than your neighbor," the survey taker said, making a note.

"That makes sense," the man replied, "after all, she is MY wife."

Can You Open A Wine Bottle In Seconds? See How It's Done Here!

"I thought we might start the show with a little bit of geography. So here's a map of the United States showing the most sexually diseased states. The No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you're wearing mittens?" -Jimmy Kimmel

A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighborly of y'all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lak our bourbon cold, so ah still need a piece o' ass for mah drink."