Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
 
Subscribe to DEAL OF THE DAY
 


March 11, 2019

Good morning crew,

BS 2018They say that on St. Patrick's Day everyone is Irish, but at any given Irish parade, like the one this weekend for example, it takes a little more. But usually 10 or 12 beers will do it.

That turned out to be a long day, especially for a Sunday. But the rest of the weekend was nice and boring. The wife was offered another pet sitting job and she just couldn't bring herself to turn down the money. So I got to spend most of the weekend by myself.

We made up for it on Sunday though, starting out around noon and going through early evening. And if you think that is a long day for a Sunday (and you would be right) imagine how that makes Monday feel.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives





"The tax deadline is about five weeks away. And this year, because of all the budget cuts at the IRS, the odds of getting audited are lower than they've been in 13 years. In other words, there has never been a better time to claim your Chihuahua as a dependent." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"One of the biggest viral sensations right now is a YouTube livestream of a pregnant giraffe waiting to give birth. The cutest part is when she tells the father giraffe, 'You did this to me, now put down that goddamn camera.'" -Conan O-Brien

***

"President Trump last night announced the creation of a department called VOICE, which will deal specifically with crimes committed against Americans by immigrants. Not to be confused with 'The Voice,' which deals with crimes against music committed by teenagers." -Seth Meyers

***

Ever find yourself squinting at the small print? Don't fumble with reading glasses, the Opti-Pen is a ballpoint pen with a small, discreet pair of 2x reading glasses hidden right in the barrel!

Longtime friends were celebrating their 50th anniversary. One of their sons gave a loving toast, finishing with, "and thank you for having such a beautiful marriage."

"Thank you for making it necessary," the father joked.

In the silence that followed, his wife whispered, "Not him. He's the second son."

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"