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March 10, 2019

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Kitchen 2019I just read a story about a growing trend among certain sexually 'awakened' women called Born-Again Virginity.

The idea is that these women want to spend ten or fifteen years whoring around, getting laid, sucking dick, doing anal, getting drunk and experimenting with their girlfriends, getting into bondage and fetish shit, pouring candle wax on their nipples, dressing up in leather and fucking their boyfriends with a strap-on, getting double-teamed, having anonymous sex in the parking lots at concerts, getting a couple abortions, doing amateur Internet porn, corrupting the Amish, piercing their genitals and giving hand-jobs to teenagers at house parties.

And then, when they finally find a guy they think they like enough to marry (or who can stomach them enough to consider marrying them), they refuse to fuck them. That's right, no pre-marital sex.

One contributor to the article described it as, "a sex detox to clean the negativity out of my system."

Another said she'll hold out until her wedding night finally comes because, "It's going to be magical because I feel as if my body and mind have been purified."

When I was a younger man we didn't call these kind of women Born-Again Virgins, we called them hypocritical bitches.

Or 'women'. Just calling them women would work, too.



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"Everyone is talking about the big snowstorm expected to hit New York and Washington, D.C. You know it's cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks about 40 feet." -Jimmy Fallon

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies". So I turned her over on all fours, pulled her hair, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.

She cried.

I guess we don't watch the same kind of movies.

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"One adult video website announced it would donate snow removal services to several cities in the Northeast because it wants to 'plow Boston.' Very generous. I'm not sure I trust the porn industry with city services. I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza." -Stephen Colbert

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Larry says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"


"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yep, I have a family alright."

"I'm not done yet.. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual! That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Doug says, "What's that?"

Larry says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"Nope," replies Doug.

"Yer a homo, ain't ya?"