Subscribe to LAFF A DAY
Subscibe to DEAL OF THE DAY

February 28, 2019

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Top SellersI saw a 'tweet' by Gwyneth Paltrow today that had me amused, annoyed and depressed all at the same time. For the sake of personal indemnity I should point out that I was actually reading an article about stupid tweets, as I do not have a Twitter account myself.

Anyway, the tweet read, 'This is what $29 gets you at the grocery store--what families on SNAP (i.e. food stamps) have to live on for a week.' And below it was kind of a bizarre picture.

The image included: a dozen eggs, something that looks like bok choy, parsley, a sweet potato, a clove of garlic, frozen peas, some onions, 2 or 3 limes, an avocado, a jalapeno pepper, and a package of flour tortillas.

Clearly Gwyneth has never been a college student working for $5.75/hour scrubbing pots and pans in the school cafeteria, or she would have a better idea how to stretch a dollar.

First; people with families can qualify for a lot more than 29 bucks, but let's just take 29 dollars as the base supplemental nutrition allowance for an individual.

Someone with only $29 is not going to blow it on calorie light foods. Especially trendy, specialty foods like bok choy (unless they are a complete idiot).

So for the fun of it I looked up some food prices and did a little budgeting to see if I could feed myself for a week with $29. Note: I rounded all the prices I found UP to take taxes into account.

Here is what I came up with:

- Box of breakfast cereal: $5.50
- 1/2 gallon milk: $1.50
- 7 bananas ($.50 each at Dunkin' Donuts): $3.50
- 10-pack Quaker instant oatmeal (raisins & spice): $3.00
- Dozen eggs: $2.50
- 12-pack of Ramen noodles: $4.
- 4-pack tuna (Chicken of the Sea): $3.00
- Loaf of bread: $3.00
- 1 lb. deli meat: $2.00
- Head of lettuce: $1.50

Total: $29.50 (I guess I'll have to hang out in the grocery store parking lot to scrounge the last fifty cents)

Every day I can have a bowl of cereal and a banana for my breakfast.

For lunch I can have some delicious raisin & spice oat meal (nice and healthy).

And for my dinners I can have egg drop soup (a simple combination of an egg or two stirred into a cup of Ramen noodles), supplemented by a choice of either a ham or tuna sandwich with fresh, crisp lettuce.

How would you like free cable? It's not illegal. It's the GE UltraPro Bar HD 400 Amplified TV Antenna. Just plug and scan for free HD channels.

Or, if I wanted to get creative, I could mix the Ramen with the tuna for a bachelor's tuna casserole. Lots of delicious stuff you can make with Ramen.

I guess the point of this entire exercise is that Gwyneth Paltrow has no idea what it is like to live in the real world. I understand her point is to illustrate that $29 is not a lot of money, to her, maybe because she spent her youth blowing casting directors so she would not end up on food stamps.

But, if she suddenly did have to survive on $29/day, I bet she would learn the value of Ramen and canned tuna pretty darn quick.

Or, she could always go back to giving blowjobs for bok choy.



Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link:

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge." -Seth Meyers

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing. "Mrs. Samson, I don't think you should be asking those kinds of questions," she says. "I'm going to tell the principal and tonight I'm going to tell my parents. We shouldn't be discussing this kind of thing in class."

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks if anyone else in class can answer the question. This time Sam raises his hand. "The answer is the pupil of the human eye, Mrs. Sampson."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

"Scientists have discovered a species of fish that surrounds itself with uglier fish in order to look more attractive. However, scientists could not identify which sorority it belongs to." -Jimmy Fallon

YOU SUCK! So you might at well do it through a stainless steel straw. A set of 4 straws made out of food-grade 304 stainless steel will last basically forever, so you never have to throw away a plastic straw again.

A one dollar bill met a 50 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The fifty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.

How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old thing... strip club, strip club, church."