February 18, 2019
Good morning crew,
A coworker walked up to me in the office kitchen this morning and asked, "How's it going today?"
"Every day's an adventure," I told him as I poured a cup of coffee. "Just living life on the edge."
"Laughing in the face of death, huh?"
"Well, laughing in the face of debt, anyway."
Laugh it up,
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"Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! Which means in 24 hours, guys all across the country will be telling their loved ones, 'I thought you said we weren't doing gifts this year.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"The funniest place to be on Valentine's Day is the drugstore checkout line at around 7 p.m. The only place you'll see desperation like that is at a casino in Vegas, standing in line for the ATM." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Facebook has just added a new tool for finding help during disasters. Unfortunately, then Facebook shows you photos of your friends having a much better time during their disasters." -Conan O'Brien
Why the Military can't communicate with each other...
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.
If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.
"What happened?" he asked.
I said, "Attacked by a flying saucer."