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February 01, 2019

Good morning crew,

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The one who has really been suffering in all of this subzero weather is the wife's poor, little Dog-Puss. For some reason she has an odd prohibition against pooping in the back yard. She'll do it if she absolutely has to, but she'll keep things clamped down all day just so she can save it for her walk.

Personally I appreciate this attitude toward keeping a clean yard, but I don't think the poor, little girl understands why she hasn't been going for her walks the last couple of days.

When I came home yesterday afternoon I found the wife watching TV with the dog. Before I got undressed she said, "Would you go out with Mini for a couple minutes? She hasn't pooped all day, and maybe if you're out there with her she'll finally do her business."

"I can do better than that," I said. "Throw me her leash and I'll walk her to the end of the block. That'll motivate her."

"It's still minus 5 degrees out there," the wife warned me.

"We won't go far. Just long enough for Min to poop."

You should have seen how excited that little dog got when I put her harness on her. She couldn't wait to get out of the door.

The problem was, there is no grass anywhere. To the dog the sidewalk is just an icy cold valley in between mountains of snow.

We made it about half a block before Mini just sat down and began picking her paws up off the frozen concrete, one after the other. She refused to move.

So I had to pick her up in my arms and carry her back to the house.

Eventually the dog was forced to use the back yard after about 12 hours of holding it, but she still wouldn't use the patio. She climbed a five-foot tall mountain of snow in the middle of the yard and made a deposit right at the peak. I swear to God.

That's dedication, right there.

Laugh it up,


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"Engineers have begun trying to find a way to brew beer on the moon. Which means we'll soon have astronauts calling into Mission Control saying, 'Houston, we have a drinking problem.'" -Conan O'Brien


"According to a new report, 67 percent of millennials use Netflix, which must really tick off whoever owns the account they're using." -Seth Meyers


"Wildlife officials in India are now putting wild monkeys on birth control to help curb the recent population spike. This is good for wildlife, and even better for female monkeys who want to focus on their careers." -Jimmy Fallon


Home Kitchen TextThe heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like "one banana plus two bananas make three bananas"? Here's a list of high school math courses based on bananas:

Algebra I - A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I - B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.

Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.

What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.